Drugs or Me
by lysser8312
Summary: Just before Christmas Lucas discovers Peyton's drug addiction that she's kept hidden. He tries to help her, but he can't give her help until she admits she wants it.
1. Weakness, Hugs, & Stale Tears

**Title: Drugs or Me**

**Disclaimer: **Okay, so Christmas is coming up and I'm thinking that as a present I need someone to get me Mr. Lafferty :) that would be nice. Anywho, I don't own any of these characters or this song.

**Summary: **Just before Christmas Lucas discovers Peyton's drug addiction that she's kept hidden. He tries to help her, but he can't give her help until she admits she wants it.

**Author's Note: **So, I know I just keep starting stories and even though it's taking me a while to update them, I do intend to finish every story I start. This one's going to be fairly dark and emotional I think, and it's also a first person point of view, but I still hope you'll are read. I hope you all like this.

**Chapter 1: Weakness, Hugs, & Stale Tears…**

_- 'Stay with me, you're the one I need. You make the hardest things, seem easy…' – _

**It's late when** I decide to take a walk, and the clock's blinking, and I finally take the time to notice that it's past midnight. It does take me a few minutes of hesitation, I wonder what my mom will say when she notices I've gone missing…but I know that I need to go, I need to find Peyton, I need to know if what I've been told is true.

It was only a few days ago that I talked to Jake on the phone, and he told me of how Peyton was feeling, and he also told me what he found in her drawer the day he left.

"_Luke, I don't think she's handling all of this as well as we thought…and it's killing me to ask you to do this, but I need you to watch out for her. I need you to take care of her, because I don't know when or if I'm coming back…" it sounded like there was a catch in his throat as he pushed the words out over the line. And I'd felt a pang of sympathy for the guy who had been so welcoming to me in those first few days I began playing varsity._

"_Yea…I'll go by there in a few days and see how she's doing –"_

"_I don't know if this can wait a few days…the day I left I found something. Well, the day I came back she was making a drug deal with some guy and I was disappointed, but she promised me she was done. And I accepted that, but the day I left I found another vile in her drawer. I guess I've been thinking about how I told her I trusted her, but I can't risk this. I love her too much to risk this. I'd give anything to be there to do this myself, but I can't, and I know she trusts you, or at least she did. And I'm asking you, you've been a really good friend to both of us…"_

_I hadn't known what to say, it sounded so unlike Peyton to go that far, to be that depressed that she had to turn to drugs. I mean, I'd always known how detached she seemed, but never in my wildest dreams had I expected to hear that, and it was then that I knew I had to do something because there had been a time when I had loved her, and I owed it to her to take care of her._

**The walk I **began to clear my head was now bringing me to the house I'd been trying so desperately to avoid since I got the call from Jake. I knew I had to go eventually, that was a given, but I didn't know what to expect when I finally did make it there.

And here I am.

The windows are all dark, and the only light I can see now is very dim coming from a second story window, the window I assume to be hers. I know she doesn't lock her door, but now, with us still not really on the best of terms anymore, I felt it would be awkward if I just showed up at her bedroom door wanting to talk about the issues she was dealing with.

So instead I decide to pull my cell phone from my pocket, and I search through my phone book, this task seems to take an eternity when it was really only the five seconds It took to scroll down to her name.

I hear the ringing in my ear, but I still see no movement in the window. I guess I'm taking it upon myself to say she's not going to answer so I go to close the phone when I hear a weak voice on the other line. It catches me off guard, and it doesn't sound at all like the girl I spent so much time with only a few months ago.

"Peyton?" I hear my own voice shake as I question the identity of the voice.

"…Lucas…" I can't tell if she's surprised, angry, or happy. And when she doesn't say anything else it gives me no indication.

"Do you mind if I come up?" she clears her throat after I ask and the voice I had just questioned grows back to the voice I'm used to hearing.

"No, c'mon up," my heart races as I pad up the stairs, making a left when I reach the top. I wonder what I'm going to say to her about this whole ordeal and what her reaction will be. And then I have to wonder how blind I must have been to miss all of her signals, because there had to have been a point when she was reaching out for the help. And I curse myself for having been so oblivious to her, and I guess that it was all the time I spent going after Brooke, a girl I was beginning to re-think my feelings for anyway.

Her door's open slightly, and the light looks just as dim from where I'm standing now as it did when I was on the street. I knock gently, pushing the door slightly to reveal her, she's sitting with her legs dangling over the side of her bed, her eyes cast downward towards her red rug.

"Hey," I think I scared her, because she seems to shake when my voice slices through the silence.

Her reply seems just as weak as when she first answered the phone and it's now that I'm truly curious as to what she's going through, and why she seems so determined to do it alone, "Hey, Luke."

It's my guess that she doesn't know what else to say, and I'm feeling the same way. I think I expected it though, considering it had been a long while since we'd spent time alone…and as I drift into memories I realize our last real time alone had to be when we went to Haley's part together, the same party that pulled us apart.

I can feel her eyes on me, I shake myself out of the daze I got caught up in and look over to finally meet her green eyes. She averts her eyes quickly, not wanting to get caught in the staring match we so often seem to do.

"How are you?" I say as I finally manage to speak. I give her space to collect her thoughts and give me a reply, so I let my eyes wander over the drawings that are plastered all over her walls, and I see some are directly painted on the walls, such as a sketch of Jake and Jenny that she had once had on paper. I can feel my heart ache ever so slightly at the notion of Jake having meant so much, but _us_, whatever we were at the time, seems to longer be anything more than a fling she tried to erase from her past. I'm shaken from my thoughts when I hear a stifled sob on my left, and I twist my head to look over at the blonde before me.

She sniffles again, not intending to answer me, but I know better than to let her sit and bottle all of her emotions up, I learned that a long time ago. Very gently I sit on the bed next to her and for a few seconds I'm stunned. I didn't know she was so broken and fragile, and it kills me as I think about it, as I think about how I wasn't there for her when Jake left, how nobody was.

I exhale, finally thinking of something other than the lame 'how are you?' crap she's received from everyone else. "I'm sorry…" and it's then that I hear another sob, and I watch a single tear fall to her sweat pants. She doesn't reach to wipe at her eyes like I'm expecting, like she always had done in attempts to hide her tears.

And it's now that I realize how different she is, and how much Jake truly hurt her when he left. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't the man she loved, he was.

And that realization hurts…a hell of a lot more than I thought it would.

She still doesn't say anything to my words, and I don't know if she even wants to. I don't remember making the conscious decision to touch her, but it's when I look up I can feel my hand against her back, moving in circles in some small attempt to soothe her because she's hurting, and I can't stand to see her this way.

"Please, say something," my plea comes out a lot more desperate than I thought it would, but I don't want her to hold it in. I want her to open up, I want her to talk to me the way she used to…but I don't think we'll ever get that back now. I think I hurt her too much with the whole Nikki fiasco that she won't ever be able to trust me with her heart again. And I'm not asking for her heart, or love at all, I'm just asking for her to let me know she's alright, that she's not hurting the way I think she is.

But that's just wishful thinking on my part.

"I can't," she whispers, my heart breaking as the words fall from her tongue. She shudders involuntarily and with that I pull her closer to me. I can feel her tense under my touch, but it's only seconds later she relaxes, but not totally accepting my attempts to comfort just yet.

"I'm hurt, Luke," I can hear the shakiness in her voice, and I can hear the tears behind her words. Listening to her, I can feel the lump in my throat forming, but I'm forced to push it back, I know she needs someone to be strong for her.

"I know," the emotions running through me right now are unlike anything I've ever felt. I can't recall ever wanting to help someone as much as I want to help her, and I've never wanted to see someone smile so badly, but I know that's naïve of me to think seeing her smile would be in the near future. "Can I ask you a question?"

I feel her nod next to me, her head moving back and forth. My breathing is shallow now, I'm afraid to hear her answer, it makes this whole thing all too real. But I promised Jake that I would do this, and I have to follow though.

"Are you…have you been doing drugs, Peyt?" I can feel her breath catch in her chest for a minute, and I feel her move away from me. My eyes drift over to where she's sitting, curled up with her knees against her chest. I can just barely see her eyes, but I notice how swollen they look, like the tears falling now aren't exactly fresh and new to her today.

I know she probably won't respond to my question, and I can see her thinking of what she needs to do to take control of the situation. So instead of watching her think I stand, brushing at my jeans and swallowing hard. I don't say anything, I think she knows I'm leaving, and it's right as I hit the door that I hear her weakly, desperately ask me to stay.

"Please…please, don't leave me," her voice is so soft that I strain to hear it, but I do. And I turn to see her looking at me with eyes that are threatening to crumble my heart to pieces if I was to try to walk out the door.

I turn, walking back to her and as I sit on the bed this time she moves back to me. I can see the red rims around her eyes, and they make me feel even worse about all that she's gone through. I watch as she stares at me, her eyes filling with tears again, and they fall faster this time.

It takes a few minutes before I finally decide what I want to do, and I think I surprise both of us when I take her in my arms, holding her tightly and letting her cry. Her breath grows a little more ragged and I feel the tears soaking through my shirt. She wraps her arms around my neck, bracing herself for the crash. I continue to rub my hand in circles on her back, something my mom had always done when I was upset, and I hope it might help her too.

Finally, I find the courage to say something to her, my breath against her ear I manage to whisper something I hope will make her feel a little better.

"I'm not going anywhere."

**I dunno how that turned out, but I hope you liked it. I know it's kind of putting Peyton in a dark spot, but I like it so far. I don't think this is gonna be quite as long as my usuals, maybe 10 or 12 chapters. I hope you'll tell me what you thought though, and if my first person was any good. **


	2. Breakdowns & Coping with Loss

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note:** Wow, you guys blew me away with reviews for this. I honestly didn't know if you would like it, but I was definitely proved wrong. I always feel like the second chapter won't live up to expectations but I'm gonna try. I hope you'll all stick with me and keep reviewing, I love getting them. Enjoy guys.

**Chapter 2: Breakdowns & coping with loss…

* * *

**

_- 'Keep my heart somewhere drugs don't go, where the sunshine slows, always keep me close' – _

**It's about four** in the morning now as I flick my eyes over to her clock. The red numbers blink ominously, the way they had when I left the house four hours ago, the way my missed call blinked on my cell phone numerous times. My mom had to be worried to death by now, but I couldn't wake her, she looked far too peaceful for me to interrupt her now.

I considered standing to make the call in the hallway, but the way she was snuggled up against me prevented me from doing so. I knew the trouble I'd be in when I finally got home, but watching her breathe and the small smile that graced her face every so often made what lay ahead seem worth it. It had been a while since I'd seen her so content with the world around her, and it upset me that the only time I saw this side of her was in her subconscious.

I was startled from my thoughts when she stirred, flipping over to look at me. She seemed only half awake as her eyelids drooped. I could see she was exhausted from the bags under her eyes, and it only proved to make me feel even worse about how shitty of a friend I'd been to her when she needed me most.

"Sleep," I kept my voice low and soft, I know it's what she needs right now.

"I can't…I need…" her sentence trailed off as she went to stand to go to her drawer. My heart dropped into her stomach as I saw her pull the vile from her drawer…I guess it was something I should've expected, after all it was what I was confronting her about in the first place.

She stumbled toward the bathroom that connected to her room, and I watched as she gathered a few blank CD's and twisted the cap off the small tube. I knew something had to be done, despite how cruel her reaction to me would be, I stood.

It only took me a few swift steps to reach her, and standing against the door frame I watched her prepare the drug for herself, and I don't think in years to come I'll ever be able to explain the feeling of watching the girl I had been in love with throw her life away. It made me want to throw up seeing her throw herself down this dark hole, and it's something I don't think I'll ever want to experience again.

"Peyton," she refused to look at me, but I think she could hear my disappointment as I stood. Nonetheless, she continued her business, ignoring my presence after she had pleaded with me to stay. I can't let her do this, my mind keeps telling me to do something as she lifts the CD with the white powder up to her face and it's now that I'm able to spring into action.

My hand reaches out toward her, but she snaps her head to look at me before I ever make contact with what she's holding. "Don't touch me," there's venom in her voice at that moment, and to be honest, it scared the hell out of me to see her personality flip in front of my eyes.

"I can't let you do this."

"Well, then leave," she hisses, turning back to what she was doing. I remembered thinking earlier that she didn't need me to yell at her, or tell her what she had done wrong in her life. But now, seeing the state she's in and watching how she's living I know what I have to do.

"Peyton…" I take another step into the bathroom, reaching for the CD quickly and snatching it from her hands.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" there's fire burning in her eyes at me, and I quickly take a step away from her.

"I'm helping you, you need help," my logical thinking isn't making any progress with her as she steps toward me, I know she's angry, well more furious than angry.

"I didn't ask you for help!" she raises her voice at me, taking a few more steps as I continue to move backwards.

"I'm not letting you have this, I can't watch you do this to yourself!" I raise my voice to match hers, I won't let her take control here though I see her looking at me with such rage that I did have second thoughts about this whole thing.

"THEN LEAVE! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE, SO GET THE FUCK OUT!" her words sting me, and I wince under the intensity pouring out of her eyes. We never fought, it had never been like us and I'm not so sure how to react to that.

"I'M NOT LEAVING, PEYTON. I TOLD YOU THAT, I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SO GET USED TO IT!" after that I expected her to yell at me to hit me, but instead I watch in pain as the tears fill her eyes. I toss the CD off into a corner of the room, her eyes following it all the while.

She scurries back to the bathroom, retrieving the vile, attempting to inhale some small amount before I could get to her. Again, I moved to the bathroom, taking her away from the vile that was laying on the sink, but she wasn't making the task easy for me. She seemed like a small child in my arms, flailing and kicking, trying to get away from my grasp.

"LET ME GO!" she's crying and screaming at the same time, and I'm not sure which is winning out. I refuse to let her go and I know she's so angry with me right now, but I'm hopeful that she'll move past it when she sees I'm only here to help.

I can't describe what It was like watching her collapse to the floor in tears, as I take the vile, dumping it's contents down the drain, making sure they're gone. And to my shock she scrambles off toward the corner where the CD had landed, and she's on the floor looking for any trace of the white powder that had sunk into the carpet minutes ago.

It takes a lot of strength to pull her away and back into my arms. She's steaming mad, and she's punching my chest with all the strength she's able to muster but I hold her close to me, making sure she knows I care, that I've always cared even when it didn't seem like it.

"Let me go, Luke," her voice is hoarse as it leaves her throat, but I keep her close as her chest heaves with the sobs. She's shaking violently now, and it's scaring me, terrifying me. I'm a seventeen year old boy, I'm still a little kid as far as anyone's concerned, and I didn't sign up for any of this, and it's petrifying me to watch her shake in my arms. I should be the strong one here, I should be able to take care of her with a few kind words, but right now, I'm incapable of all thought.

"I won't let you go," is all I can rip out of my mouth, it's all I can say to her right now. I know she asked for me to release her, but after so long I know more than anything that she asked me not to. That her words were asking me not to release my hold on her. And I'm trying not to, I am, but it's quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever done.

* * *

**We're laying back** on the bed fifteen minutes later, and the tears are still pouring from her eyes, she can't seem to stop them now. We're both laying on our sides, she's facing me, crying into my chest as I rub her back again. I don't really know if the rubbing is doing anything, but maybe it's more to calm my own nerves. I can't help but feel emotionally exhausted, and I think she feels the same way but can't calm herself enough to let sleep come.

"This isn't what she would've wanted," I tell her, and for the first time she meets my stare, looking stunned.

"My mom?" she chokes on her words and I wonder if it was right of me to bring her mother into the picture. I know that's a huge reason why she is the way she is, why Jake leaving was like the final straw in her life. I nod at her, my eyes flashing sympathy to her, but she shakes her head adamantly.

"Don't pity me, Lucas," her words are strong and firm for the first time in hours, but they disintegrate again, "I know I failed…" she stops talking abruptly, the tears are coming again and I don't know if her eyes will ever run dry.

I want to say something right now to let her know how wrong she is about herself, how proud I am of her, despite this whole situation. How proud her mother would've been.

"You're not," and I know it's lame, and it doesn't even come close to what I wanted to say to her, but I've never been all that great with speaking words.

"I AM! LOOK AT ME! I'm on drugs, I'm having an emotional breakdown…it's a good thing she's not here, she would hate me," her voice shakes again through those last four words, and it's then that she loses it worse than ever before. Her sobs are loud, tearing me up inside, and her body shakes harder than before, the sobs racking her body. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to comfort a girl who's so broken.

"I swear to you she wouldn't, Peyton," I can't tell if she hears me, she doesn't react to those words, so I force myself to speak again, "She'd be so proud of you, so unbelievably proud of her little girl, you have to know that…" she manages to look at me again, through her tears that have yet to cease.

"How…you don't know that…you can't. I'm not worthy of being anyone's daughter, Luke…" those words break my heart over and over again.

"I know she'd be proud of you, because I am," finally there's all the words pouring from my mouth that I'd needed moments ago, "I'm proud of you. I'm proud of who you've become, forget all of this, we all make mistakes, we're all hurting. It doesn't make anyone love you any less because I never have," she leans into me again, silently thanking me for being what she needed tonight.

"No?" her voice is nearly a whisper and I know it's raspy from all of the tears.

"Never. I've never loved you any less, and neither has your mom or dad. Or any of your friends. Don't you ever doubt it, ever."

"I don't know what to do anymore…I can't do this anymore. I feel like I just…I have no will anymore," her voice remained as soft as I'd ever heard it, but the silence surrounded us, making it so easy to hear what she was telling me.

"Then I'll help you –"

"You can't, you're leaving in the morning. Everyone leaves when morning comes around," she seems to have no self-worth anymore and I think that's what worries me the most at the second. She doesn't seem to have any will to live, to be there with me, and I don't know how to change that. We're still kids, I don't know how to save her anymore.

"I'm not leaving, Peyt," I have to reassure her, she has to know this.

"Well, even if you stay here…how is that going to help?" this is the question I had just been dreading, the question I really and truly didn't know how to answer. Because I didn't know how I was going to help, I honestly didn't. I didn't have a plan when I left my house at midnight, and I still didn't.

"You want the truth," she nodded into my chest, still not looking at me, "I don't know, Peyton. I don't. I don't know how I'm gonna help you, but you know…" I lower my voice a few octaves, whispering to her again, "I'm going to fight for you, you're not gonna do this alone. I won't let you, I won't. I'll fight for you if you need me to."

She nods again, pushing herself closer to me for warmth, I can feel her shivering again.

"I'm so tired," I heard her whisper. I didn't know exactly what she meant by that, whether she was actually physically tired and needed sleep or mentally tired of everything around her. I took a guess, assuming both and with that I wrapped a blanket around her and laid an arm over that, making sure she knew I was there.

"I'll be here in the morning, I promise."

* * *

**Wow, these damn stories drain me. I hope this lived up to what you expected, I don't know how much I like it, but I think it's the most logical next step to this. I hope you liked it. Review and tell me, _please, everyone who reviewed the last chapter, keep going!_**


	3. An Attempt to Get Back to Normal

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Hey, sorry for the small delay, with the holidays I've been busy, and since everything's been somewhat happy for the holidays you may know how hard it is to put so much of yourself into a really depressing story. But I'm trying. I hope this chapter lives up to expectations.

**Chapter 3: An Attempt to Get Back to Normal

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**

_- 'If you could only see, the stranger next to me. You promise, you promise you're done, but I can't tell you from the drugs' – _

**It's not the **morning light that wakes me, and it's not the sounds of Peyton throwing up in the bathroom…it's that I haven't slept all night because my mind would not stop moving. I was trying to desperately find a way to help her, and it being only seven o'clock hasn't allowed me much time.

I shove myself from the edge of her bed, walking to the bathroom where she was hunched over the toilet, her face pale, she looked like she was in pain. A pain that coincided with the fact that she was having drug cravings and I had dumped her last vile.

The look she shoots me makes me wince slightly, and I do take a step away from her momentarily, but a second later I find myself behind her as she empties the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Pulling away she looks at me with so much hurt pouring from her eyes that I can feel her pain, I can feel it so intensely that it tears and pulls me down onto my knees next to her.

She falls into my arms, crying again, almost a reenactment of the scene I had just experienced a few hours before. And I have to wonder how many times we're going to go through this before she'll ever be okay, before she'll accept me for being there for her, and taking care of her through all of this.

"What about school?" she chokes out hoarsely, and I cringe at the sound of her voice sounding so raw.

"There's only today and tomorrow before break, I won't miss much."

"Luke, you can't…you have to go to –" she tries to protest but I cut her off with a look.

"I'm not going, I'm not leaving you by yourself like this, I told you I wouldn't. Just let me be here," she's silenced after that, her body still shaking against me. I can see her mood improving just slightly, and I can see the beginning of her trust for me building when I'm able to meet her eyes.

It's about ten minutes later, we're still on the floor as I hear her speak softly, "My dad's not coming home for Christmas…" I can't tell if she's crying, but I know that she's upset, she's always been upset that he never comes home anymore.

"You're spending Christmas with me," I announce, she pokes her head up at me, her eyes questioning my motives. "I'm not trying to accomplish anything here but being a friend. I don't want to date you, or get in your pants if that's why you're looking at me like that. I want to help, I want to see you back to the girl I met at the beginning of this year. I want my friend back," she nods slowly, absorbing everything I just told her, taking it in and processing what I wanted.

"I don't…I don't want to be this person anymore," she confesses, her voice cracking again, and every time it does it hurts me a little bit more. But I know, by that statement, she's letting me in, she's letting me know she wants me there to help and it makes me feel a little bit better about the whole situation.

"Well, that's progress, because I'd really like the girl I met at the beginning of this year back. I _kinda_ miss her," I enjoy teasing her from time to time, usually it cheers her up a little. And my theory proved right as she smiled, a small laugh coming from her stomach. "Well, someone's feeling better."

"I think today's gonna be a good day…if you're gonna stick around I can't guarantee they're all gonna be good, but on the good ones I can promise you'll enjoy my company," she dared to look up at me and flashing a small smile she looked back down. It was all I could want for today.

"Well since you're having such a good day, how about we go out to civilization for a little while."

"I dunno," she sounds reluctant, and very self-conscious.

"C'mon, we'll go visit Haley for a little while. I'm not trying to bring you to the mall or anything, I just think maybe something relatively normal will help you feel a little bit better," my suggestion makes a strange look appear in her eyes and I watch the question form on her lips.

* * *

"Do you think I'll ever be able to be normal again?" and that's the question that does me in. I feel like crying right now, that this girl in front of me who I had been so close to was so broken that she had to ask if she'd ever be alright. I want more than anything to assure her that she will be, but I can't.

"I hope so," is the only true answer I can give her.

"I feel like a stranger, Lucas. It hurts to smile anymore, and I don't feel okay. I'm not okay," her eyes look so lost, so defeated. And it's now that I again bring up the fact that I'm a seventeen year old kid, dealing with such intense emotions and problems that I don't know how to help her anymore.

"That's why I'm here to help –"

"But what if you can't," she cut me off quickly, the tears filling her eyes once more.

"Can't I at least try?" I'm pleading with her now, and I can feel my voice crack that she's pushing me away again.

"What if it's just a waste? Just go be with Brooke, she's happy, she doesn't have these issues," her voice is cold and it's becoming distant again.

"I don't wanna be with Brooke, I want to be here –"

"No, you just think you do. Brooke needs you, she's the one who's in love with you. She's perky and always smiling and happy. That's the kind of girl you're looking for, you don't need me who's only going to bring you down, just leave," she began to push against my chest, but her words were biting and hurtful.

"Please…" my voice cracked and I felt the tears burning against my eyes, I had to be strong for her, but I felt so small as she tried her hardest to keep me away. I felt like a little kid getting yelled at for doing something really wrong, but was it so wrong that I wanted to help her?

"Lucas, why're you doing this? We haven't been all that close for a long time, you've been telling everyone Brooke's the one, you pushed me away and called us a mistake, and for a long time you acted like you didn't even care... what're you doing here?"

I felt a few tears fall from my eyes and I quickly brushed them away, watching the surprise fill her eyes at that. I take my hands to my eyes, rubbing them around like a three year old, but I'm exhausted and I've been dealing with all of this for two days, I couldn't focus.

"Honestly, what are you doing here?"

"Jake called and –"

"No, because you didn't _have_ to come, you could've sent Nathan, or anyone. This is a lot to handle, obviously," her tears fell too, "but you had to come for a reason, no one chooses to do this for fun," she made no attempt to wipe her tears this time, and looked at me with her red swollen eyes, not knowing how her questions had left me speechless and totally caught off guard, why was I here?

"I…"

* * *

**I'm really sorry its been a while. I just recently lost my grandmom though, and things have been hectic with that. Hopefully I can put some of that emotion into this though. I hope you'll forgive the delay and that this was okay. I know it's not long, but…**


	4. Someone to Lean On

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay again, it's just a lot of stuff has been going on. But I'm doing my best and I hope you're enjoying the story.

**Chapter 4: Someone to Lean On

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**

_- 'Don't let go, we'll dig a great big hole, down an endless hole, we'll both go' – _

"_No, because you didn't **have **to come, you could've sent Nathan or anyone. This is a lot to handle, obviously," her tears fell too, "but you had to come for a reason, no one chooses to do this for fun," she made no attempt to wipe her tears this time, and looked at me with her red swollen eyes, not knowing her questions had left me speechless and totally caught off guard, why was I here?_

"_I…"_ how was I supposed to answer this? Any answer I gave her would seem like total bullshit…and it would be, considering I didn't even really know why I was there. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" she pushed, her eyes looking very spiteful.

"No…I honestly can't tell you why I'm here right now, or why I'm doing all of this. I mean you're right, I could've sent anyone, but I came. And I don't know why…"

"What do you mean you don't know?" she rose her voice a few octaves, and my emotions began to flood my eyes. I can't believe I'm going to cry in front of her, but a tear drops as I'm trying to form thoughts on no sleep and so much emotion around me.

"I mean I don't know, why can't you just leave it be? Why can't…why can't you just let me help you, Peyton, why do I have to have an ulterior motive?" my tears begin to fall even faster and I'm rubbing my eyes like a four year old, but I was seventeen years old crying in front of a girl and I felt like a jackass.

"Because people always leave, Lucas. No one stays by my side by choice, and this must be out of guilt or something, so get out!"

"I'm not leaving," as the tears continued to fall I still stand my ground, or more sit my ground on the bathroom floor, but either way.

"JUST GET OUT!"

"Why do you keep doing this? It's like once every four hours and I can't do it anymore, Peyton. I'm seventeen years old, I'm not an adult and I can't handle you, but I'm trying. I'm trying because I _want_ to be here for you, please, please let me. I can't watch you go down this road alone, I won't," her eyes didn't soften the way I've been desperately hoping they would.

"Fine," her tone had lost all emotion, "you won't leave? I will," she didn't care to take a coat with her, nor did she grab her shoes, she just walks out, leaving me crying on the bathroom floor as my emotions finally get the better of me.

* * *

**It's been an** hour and I'm not sure if I'm expecting her to walk through her bedroom door or not…but it was obvious that her good day had checked out when I suggested we go out. And I begin to worry, so my first instinct is to call Haley, though Peyton has always been closer to Brooke, I know she's been able to talk to Haley more seriously. And I don't know if Haley knows about all of this, but I know that I need help.

"Haley?" I say her name through my ever-cracking voice, and a few tears continue to drop as I hear her answer me tiredly.

"Luke? It's a late opening, the point is to catch up on the sleep, not give me a wake up call," she coughs to clear her throat.

"Hales…I need your help, I just I don't know where to find her, and I'm worried," I can feel my guard falling from under me, and I can hear the urgency in Haley's voice as she hears me crying.

"Lucas, where are you? I'll be right over," I can hear her fumbling around for clothes, since school doesn't start until nine on late openings I knew she was dead asleep, it's only 7:45.

"I'm at Peyton's…hurry, Haley I need to find her," my tears are scaring me now, I haven't cried this much since my favorite aunt died about five years ago. I hadn't even cried this much the night I found out Brooke might have been pregnant, but everything's catching up, and I'm worried sick about Peyton. I didn't know where she was or who she was with, and as I had been watching her deteriorate over the last few days I suddenly realized, she was taking me down with her.

* * *

**Haley ran through** Peyton's house in a desperate attempt to find me, I could hear her footsteps from my spot on the bathroom floor. I still haven't moved, I can't find the strength to move today, I'm so worn emotionally from being this rock for Peyton and physically I'm running on no sleep. And it's about now that I realize how strong Peyton is to keep going, because if I was in that situation I don't even think I would be able to talk, let alone storm out of a house.

"Luke!" I can hear how frantic she is, and when I see her face her eyes are full of worry. I watch the sympathy fill them next as she makes her way to me, engulfing me in her arms, and it's nice to be taken care of for a few minutes, to know that I don't have to be so strong all the time.

"Thank you," my voice is soft and as she lowers herself to her knees I can feel myself collapsing against her, crying again and mumbling about where Peyton might be and how worried I am about her. I wrap my arms around her tightly, holding on and I think it scares her a little bit to see me so fragile for once.

"C'mon, let's get you home for a little bit, cleaned up, changed and we'll figure this out," she stands, reaching her hand out, waiting for me to accept the invitation.

"What if she comes back? She's gonna think I left her," and I can't stand the thought of what she might do to herself if she thinks I've left her. I promised I wouldn't and I won't break that, I know that I can't.

"She won't. We'll leave her a note, this isn't healthy, Luke. You're mentally exhausted, this is a lot to handle right now, you need to sleep," her worried eyes are what make me grab her hands and get into the car with her.

She drives us back to my house, my mom is at the café for the day so I know I won't have her prying for information. Haley makes sure I make it to the bathroom before I hear her leave again, announcing she's going to drive around a little bit to see if Peyton is anywhere near here.

The hot water feels like the best thing ever invented right now, and as it falls down my back I realize just what the worrying is doing to me. I lift my hands toward my face, watching them shake profusely and I know that this isn't healthy, as Haley told me. But I also know that there's no way I can sleep without knowing if Peyton is safe, which means sleep is nowhere in the near future. I realize I haven't talked to Brooke In days, and it occurs to me that Brooke has made no attempt to contact me either, so I succeed in pushing her to the back of my mind for now.

Peyton is my top priority, and I'm so scared, she could be anywhere. For all I know she's out making some type of a drug deal, and I'm telling myself that when I find her I won't let her out of my sight next time, because I need her to get better. I need that girl back, and I still haven't found a reason why, or a reason that will let me understand why I care so much.

Haley walks in as I'm pulling a few slices of bread from a drawer, and I know that look she has on her face. She hasn't found anything and I release a sigh from the disappointing news.

"I don't know where she is," she plops herself down at my kitchen table, running her hands through her hair.

"I just want her to be okay," I admit and I watch a small grin form on Haley's face. "What're you smiling about?"

"Since when do you care so much?"

"Hales," I take a seat across from her, "you know Peyton has a problem with drugs right now, right?" she shakes her head, a look of surprise crossing her face.

"Didn't know that," she looks almost disappointed, and it crushes my heart, because I know that's exactly what Peyton doesn't want from her friends.

"She does, and that's why I'm so worried, I dumped her last vile. And she was throwing up this morning, and I'm scared that she's buying more when she cried this morning about feeling normal. I want that girl back, I miss her…"

"Lucas, even if she does have this problem, you haven't cared this much since when you two were sneaking around. What's suddenly piquing your interest here?" she had basically just rephrased the question Peyton asked me earlier and still I was no closer to an answer.

"I don't know. I told her the same thing this morning –"

"I think you do, I think somewhere you know why and I think I know why too. But I think you just won't admit it to yourself, and if it is why, it sucks, Lucas. You can't keep doing this to these girls –"

"Hey, I didn't say anything. You're putting words in my mouth, Haley," in my own defense, I haven't come to terms with my feelings for either of them, so I won't stand to have Haley tell me what I feel.

"I'm not putting words in your mouth if they're already in your heart, so quit being a jackass about the whole situation," she crosses her arms over her chest, the international Haley sign for back off or she's leaving.

"Look, I'm sorry. I just don't know where I stand right now, and even if you are right, I don't need that getting in the way right now, and Brooke means a lot to me too. So, just, please, let me do this on my own," she nodded, taking a breath as we fell into silence.

"Where do you think she is?" Haley's question makes me jump, I had been so absorbed in my own head I almost forgot she was there. "Luke, are you okay?"

"I'm fine…I just zoned out. I have no idea where she is, and while this is killing me I think I might need to let her come back to me on her own time," I met her stare sadly, and she gave me a lopsided, sympathetic smile. It was very Haley-like.

"I know it's gonna hurt, but maybe that's the best idea. What happened when she left? We never really talked about that…"

I recounted all of the events up from me arriving at midnight to her leaving. By the end of my story Haley looked so shocked that she had missed so much.

"I'm sorry I haven't told you any of this. I was going to call you this morning, I mean I was trying to get her out of the house to talk to you or something, but she left."

"Don't worry about it…God, I'm so sorry, Luke. I had no idea. I wish you hadn't gone through that alone, I wish she hadn't gone through so much before that alone. You need rest."

"I can't. I can't do that until I know she's okay," I saw the smile playing on Haley's lips again and I let my own smile tug on the corner of my mouth, shocking me because I hadn't been able to truly smile in days. Just goes to show what a best friend can do for you.

"I'm gonna stay with you then," she offered, but I continue to shake my head adamantly at her.

"You can't miss school, Hales. You love school –"

"Look, I know your Mr. Big Tough Man, and you can take off to take care of Peyton, but if you don't let someone take care of you, you're gonna be in that state too. If you sit alone with all those thoughts in that head of yours, you're going to have a nervous breakdown, so let me sit with you, keep your mind off things, please," she begged, flashing me the smile I have never been able to turn down.

"You have tutoring today-"

"Luke, they'll live. I'm your best friend, and I haven't been around much, so give me the chance to make it up to you when it matters, eh?" she slapped my hand playfully, but I grabbed her hand before she's able to pull it away.

"You know I love you, right?" she smiles at me, winking once.

"Of course, who doesn't?"

* * *

**Alright, I know it's a little out of the depressing stage, but my God this story was hard to write. They were really dark, depressing chapters, plus this is growing hard on Lucas too, and he knows there's nothing he can do to help her unless she wants it. And he needs someone to lean on as much as Peyton does. I hope this chapter was alright though, I think the friendship between Haley and Lucas came across well, so review and tell me what you thought.**


	5. A Day Like This

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay guys, I just suddenly had a lot of school work on my shoulders so I'm doing my best. I hope you enjoy this chapter :-)

**Chapter 5: A Day Like This…

* * *

**

_- 'You're so blind! You can't save me this time, hope comes from inside, and I feel so **low** tonight' – _

**It's dark out** now, Haley fell asleep next to me hours ago after spending the day watching movies together. Not that I could get my mind to focus on the movies, but it was worth a try. And had I not been so worried the whole day it would've been really nice to spend the day with my best friend. Since she married Nathan she's been a full time wife, and our friendship has taken the toll. I guess I can't put _all_ the blame on her, I'll admit a lot of my time has gone to Brooke and Peyton since I got involved with them. But I guess it still makes me smile to know she's here when I need her the most. And even after these new people have entered our lives and taken up our time, it's just a good feeling.

And a good feeling like that on a day like this is worth a lot as far as I'm concerned.

I'm only shaken from my thoughts when I can feel her staring, she flips over on her side to face me as I recognize her presence. She looks like she wants to smile for a minute, but then I see the reality we're facing hit her eyes, taking all the joy from her. The look she shoots me is full of sorrow and I can feel my own eyes fill with tears again. I'm able to push them back this time, flashing her a small smile of reassurance, but she knows it's fake before I can ever try to defend it.

"You wanna go look some more?" the question is nice to hear, but it's obvious we're not going to find her until she wants to be found. I shake my head at her, thanking her silently through my mind, because I don't know what I would've done without her all day. I'm pretty sure I would've driven myself crazy with all the questioning.

"I'm going back over there tonight, I want you to go home thought," her mouth opens to protest, but I shake my head at her once more. "Hales, I'll be alright, I have to do this by myself…plus Nathan needs you at home."

"You need me more right now…"

"Maybe…but you spent the whole day with me and it's been more than enough. I need to be there for her now and you've got a life now."

"Luke, it's not up to you to save her," her words hit me hard, the biting truth is eating at me…maybe it's not up to me.

"I know that, I do. But she won't do it on her own, we both know that. And if she won't do it on her own, if she can't do it…it'll kill her. And I need her here."

"And what about Brooke?"

"What about her?"

"I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong, Lucas," she hoists herself up, crossing her legs and meeting my eyes. "But if you push Brooke off to the side after you tell her you have feelings for her, she won't be here anymore for you either. And I'm just putting the question out there…and you don't have to answer…but do you really _need_ Brooke the way you say you do, or do you just _want_ her here?"

* * *

**I walk up** towards Peyton's house, it's not surprising to see that she isn't here. And even though I knew she wouldn't be, I still let out a sigh of defeat, I guess I still had a small amount of hope I wasn't willing to admit to myself. Very slowly I make my way to the chair in front of me, it sits only a few feet from her house and as I sit the rain begins to pour down, signifying how great my luck has been. I can feel my body shiver at the low temperature and it's a few minutes later that I can see a shadowy figure approaching the house.

"Peyton?" the figure isn't giving me any type of response, but I can see from right here that it's a girl…and for a moment I wonder if it might be Brooke looking for me.

The moonlight finally sheds a little light on the person in front of me, the matted curls and red eyes are apparent to me as she approaches. It's just now that I realize exactly how skinny she's become, she looks almost sickly to me and I can feel my heart breaking all over again for the ninetieth time in the past twenty-four hours.

I stand to go to her, but it's right at this moment that her knees wobble slightly and I take off at a sprint over the lawn to get to her. Now that I'm close enough I can see her eyes are bloodshot, but I can't tell if it's from her tears or she made another drug deal. She's shaking again, her knees seeming like they might collapse and her tears fall down her eyes as they mix with the pouring rain.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay tonight," my words are soft, I don't know the condition she's in. I watch her whole face fall as I finish my sentence.

"I hate myself for this," her tone isn't as low as my own, and with those words her knees buckle, her tears fall harder and I'm able to grab her just before she falls. I can feel my shoulder under her chin as she cries, her soft sobs slowly transform into hysterical tears. I realize she can't walk with how hard she's crying.

With the strength I can muster off of no sleep I put my arm under her legs, pulling them up so they're level with my own chest. Her tears fall into my saturated shirt, the rain still coating us both in the water from the sky, I guess it makes the scene look more dramatic if it wasn't actually happening to me. She wraps her arm around my neck, finally giving in, she lets her head fall into my chest, her body wracked with those sobs still.

I take the walk to her house, and it feels even longer than it ever was. I chalk that up to her crying in my arms, all of her weight laying against me makes me struggle on those few feet, and finally after what seems like forever I do get in the front door. The steps I know are going to be an obstacle, but I think seeing her in so much pain kind of gives me a boost of strength and I make it without too much trouble.

We're both completely soaked, but I don't think much of it as I lay her on her own bed, digging through her drawers for some sweats so I can get her dry. She looks weary as I approach her with a pair of sweatpants.

"I have to do this, I need to get you cleaned up," she nods her head tiredly, and had it been _any other day_ my teenage hormones would've kicked in at the thought of undressing Peyton Sawyer, but tonight I put it all away to take care of her.

It feels like the day with Haley has only proved to make me stronger for the girl in front of me. I very slowly peel her jeans away from her skin, her tiny legs make me turn away for a minute, I hadn't realized how sick she actually is and it makes me feel worse now. I slide the sweats up her legs, and take the shirt from her wet skin, her stomach seems sucked in, her whole body seems sucked in, like she hasn't eaten in days. She lets me pull a cotton long sleeve shirt over her head, and with the small amount of distance between us it shocks the hell out of me when she wraps her arms around my neck for a hug.

"You didn't have to do this," she whispers, her voice doesn't sound as hoarse as it did before, just very weak.

"I wanted to," I keep my tone low to match hers, but we don't have to talk loud considering our ears are in such close distance.

"But it's not up to you to save me," her words matched Haley's to the tee, and it scared me that they thought so alike.

"I have to. You can't do it on your own, and if you can't do it I won't have you die on me…I need you here," my whisper makes the words sound more vulnerable and I think she senses that, she tightens her hold on me.

"I'm not gonna die, Luke," for the first time in days she sounds normal with me and it's just like a burst of hope that lifts me. "I promise."

"I don't think I could handle it, Peyton. I need you to stop with the drugs, please," my voice cracks again, and I can't stand the fact that I've been so open with her, that I can't control my tears anymore than she can. "I need you, Peyton."

"I'm here. I'll try, I'm gonna try, Luke. I will. I just feel so low, I wish I had motivation," her voice cracks too, it's just the crack in hers makes me feel worse than hearing any other girl on the verge of tears. Even Brooke doesn't get under my skin the way the girl in my arms does.

"I need you to get better…I can't lose you. I won't. I'll fight for you if you need me to, you know that. I need you, Peyton," I felt like a broken record, constantly repeating myself to her, but her chest against me rose in a sigh, making me wonder what she thought this time.

"I need you too, I won't leave," her voice sounded desperate again, my body shivers involuntarily, I realize my clothes are still completely soaked still from the rain. "Lucas, you have to get outta those clothes."

"I don't wanna let you go, this could be the last time you'll let me hold you like this. Once this feeling wears off you're gonna push me away, don't push me away, Peyt," I was pleading with her like a child, but I feel her smile against my cheek.

"I can't promise anything…"

"Then just let me hold you, I need you right now as much as you need me. It's killing me to watch you go through this, god it hurts every second that I watch you cry. But I'm willing to go through this with you if at the end of all this I can hold you like this without you trying so hard to get away from me, to pull away…" the words literally dropped from my mouth, there was nothing I could do to hold them in. And I knew they weren't the words I should've been saying to the girl I had tried to hard to get away from, she wasn't the girl I had proclaimed for. But things seemed to be changing with her as the days passed around us.

"…You can…just hold me now ," she seemed to be blurting things out too, I think we're both shocked with how open we were being, with how easy it was to let the walls fall.

It started innocently enough, but out of pure hormones, her breath against my neck made me make the move that changed things. I felt my lips against her ear, moving at a snail's pace along her jaw-line, her scent was intoxicating, the rain mixed with the detergent and perfume still lingering in her shirt. I could feel her shoulders tense, but with every kiss she relaxed until she gave into my touches.

I knew this wasn't what she needed, that it was wrong considering the things I had said to Brooke, but it was something I had been longing for since she walked away from my doorstep that night, something I had needed but would never admit to. And I knew this was the last time she would be normal for a long time, that this feeling she got from those drugs would wear off in a few hours and we were back to square one with tears and struggles.

I trailed feather light kisses down along her neck, making her shiver in anticipation. Her fingers ran through my hair, as I continued my progress down around her collar bone. She moaned against me, the vibrations making me feel closer to her. She was rough in my blonde hair, it still being wet making it spike up in all different directions. We were moving at a slow pace, much slower than the trip we had taken to the motel where we were rushed for time.

I felt her arch her back, and it gives me the opportunity to lay her back slowly onto the bed beneath us. I still hadn't yet reached her mouth, but I knew she was antsy waiting for it. I don't know how much time we have like this, when her normalcy will disappear into the memory of the night, but for now this is enough.

"Lucas," she moans, her sultry voice pulling me up to her lips that were waiting for me. It seems like an hour as I move towards her, my mouth finally reaching hers, meeting in the most electrifying first kiss…or first kiss this time around…but first kiss that I've ever had. Nothing like the party at Nathan's or the alley way with Brooke. It was a whole different feeling that passed between us when our lips met only moments ago.

I think we both know that we're not going any farther than this, that all of these touches will fade with moonlight, and when morning reaches us that it will be something we won't speak of. That when Brooke eventually makes an appearance she'll be in my arms and that it may be weird for the both of us, but we can't speak of this to Brooke, that's an unspoken agreement.

She writhes beneath me, my fingers trail along her exposed skin near her waist, making her smile as she meets my eyes. The smile melts my heart, I know it's the last one I'll be seeing from her for a while. I pull away, balancing my body up on my arms.

"We're gonna get through this," my eyes are full of seriousness, letting her know I'll be there every step of the way.

"I know…do you want some clothes from my dad's room?" her question is an abrupt change of subject, but it's welcomed.

"Yeah, do you want me to get 'em?" I stand, moving away from the bed that had just held a very heated make-out session that would be hidden away from the world.

"No, I figure I want to enjoy these last few hours before this gets really hard," she winks at me, and with a sudden urge of boldness she wraps an arm around my neck kissing me softly before she walks back down the hallway.

She returns with a large pair of gray sweatpants and a black tee-shirt from her father's room, and when I return I see an unexpected brunette sitting on the bed with Peyton, she's talking animatedly to the blonde girl and when she turns to see me, she launches herself into my arms.

"Hey babe," she whispers. "I know that you're gonna be here with her, I mean I obviously can't. Take care of her, I heard from Haley she was out all day, and she seems way too normal to be off the drugs so will you be okay when she comes down?" her rambling hits me like a wall of bricks, but I smile and nod. She kisses my nose quickly, waves goodbye to Peyton and trots down the stairs in the same mood she had appeared in.

My dark eyes meet Peyton's very slowly, the same darkness is apparent within her. I know she feels the same thing, we've both hurt Brooke again, but this time she doesn't know and neither of us have any intent of telling her, nor can either of us promise it won't happen again. The girl before me pulls her knees to her chest, pulling the blanket over her small figure she snuggles into the sheets.

She purposely leaves the blankets open, inviting me in for those last few hours we know are fading fast. I know how in the wrong I am, but I walk over anyway, I get into the bed she's occupying, facing her still she smiles at me half-heartedly.

I open my mouth to say something to her, but she quickly silences me with her index finger.

"Just be with me tonight, Luke."

* * *

**So, I don't know if you all liked this, but I think it turned out alright. I don't think it was rushing anything, because that little make-out thing hasn't actually done anything to them. They still have their friendship and nothing's going to change as of now. So review and tell me what you thought of it.**


	6. Strong Enough

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **So, thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. I'm **really** trying to get the updates out faster. I hope you're all enjoying the story, and remember if you're reading to leave a review, _they do help._ No matter what you might think.

**Chapter 6: Strong Enough

* * *

**

_- 'If you could only see, the stranger next to me, you promise you promise that you're done, but I can't tell you from the drugs' – _

**Two hours is** the most sleep I've gotten in quite a few days, and I have a feeling it's the most I'm gonna get when Peyton starts shivering next to me. I pull her close, making sure the blankets are tucked tightly around her, but nothing I do can calm her…it's what's going on inside and I realize that it's something I can't help.

"Peyt…" I don't mean to startle her, so I make sure to keep my voice low. She opens her eyes, and while I know the withdraw will set in soon, she seems relatively alright for now, a wave of relief washes over me with that notion.

"Hey," she rolls over in my arms, laying on her back but still able to see me from her position.

"How ya feeling?"

"Well, obviously the shaking is starting to set in…and I just really don't wanna lose this feeling," she seems so fragile as she's talking to me, but I think I'm finally starting to accept the fact that I'm not superman, there's nothing I can do to help her but be there for her when she needs me.

"I need you to know something…" she looks over at me, rolling over again and laying her head on my arm.

"Shoot."

"I guess it took me these last few days to figure out that there won't be anything I can do for you while you're upset and moody and don't wanna be around me. I can't help you the way I kept trying to…and I need you to know that I can't, I'm seventeen years old, the same as you, and I can't always deal with all of this, I'm weak too sometimes…"

"Luke, you don't have to be here-"

"Yes, I do. I care about you way too much to not be. And as much as I won't be able to help I need you to know that I'm gonna be here the whole time, even when you try to push me away or kick me out. And next time you leave I'm coming after you…you're not gonna be able to get rid of me that easily this time around. And maybe it's not up to me to save you, but I'm going to…if you won't admit you need the help then I'm going to be here anyway. I won't let you fall back down that whole, so be aware. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," the smile that emerged on her face shocked the hell out of me, but it was a good shock.

"You mean more to me than any guy I've ever known, just so you know," I nodded at her sudden confession, but in all honesty it did make my heart jump to hear those words. I didn't know what I was feeling anymore, it was all such a mess. And I know my confusion will hurt Brooke, I have no doubts about that…and I don't know what I'm going to tell her when I finally figure my life out.

But I guess I've got a few days to do that.

* * *

**It's four hours** later and we're still laying in her bed trying to soak up the last day she can feel even slightly normal. We've spent a vast majority of those four hours in silence, but we did joke around, we did laugh and it was good to hear from her, I won't lie. Overall, I know she's the only girl besides Haley that I could do this with, that I could lay for four hours on a bed with without making out or sex or getting in an argument, and I know that's something that definitely sets her apart from any other girl, _from Brooke._

"Hmm, wanna put the radio on?" she releases me from my thoughts, and I nod, grabbing the remote and I flick through a few stations to find something entertaining.

I caught of few seconds of rap songs, which Peyton wrinkled her nose at, making me laugh at her disdain towards the genre of music. The beginning of a guitar came through the speakers to which Peyton snatched the remote through my hand.

"What the hell is this?" I tease, making her whack me in the arm.

"It's Sheryl Crow, dude. This is a good song," she smirks, making her point.

It's when the lyrics pick up that I hear her voice against the music, she's happy if only for a few minutes, making me feel ten times better about the whole situation I know is ahead of us.

"_God, I feel like hell tonight, tears of rage I cannot fight. I'd be the last to help you understand, are you strong enough to be my man?"_ she points to me with the last question, smiling, and upon getting up on her knees pulls the remote to her mouth to use as a faux microphone.

"_Nothing's true and nothing's right, so let me be alone tonight. Cause you can't change the way I am, are you strong enough to be my man?" _she continuously points at me with the last question, a smile always playing on her lips. Occasionally, I watch her body shake involuntarily, and I know that she'll be gone come nighttime but for now I'm ready to enjoy what she's willing to give.

"_Lie to me, I promise I'll believe, lie to me, but please don't leave. I have a face I cannot show, make the rules up as I go, it's try and love me if you can, are you strong enough to be my man?"_ the song gets a bit faster at this point, and it's now that she jumps from the bed, trotting around the room, her voice gets louder with this part and I don't realize why until I hear what she's singing.

"_**When I've shown you that I just don't care, when I'm throwing punches in the air. When I'm broken down and I can't stand, will you be strong enough to be my man? Lie to me, I promise I'll believe, lie to me, but please don't leave,"**_ her smile fades as does the song…and I begin to wonder if she wants me to answer the question from the song.

"I'm strong enough," I smile at her, teeth and all, something people get very rarely from me…I've formed a reputation at being broody and I hold it up well.

"I know that…" she flops back on the bed next to me. "So, is this what we're doing all day, because when people lay in beds they either make out, sleep, or just aren't in it…and since we've already slept _and _made out," with that comment I feel my cheeks flush bright red "…why Mr. Macho Man Lucas…are you blushing?" she's poking fun, I know that, but it still makes me feel bad about Brooke I guess. Even with that knowledge I refuse to break her good mood.

"I dunno, what would you like to do all day?"

"Well, I guess it's pretty noticeable to both of us that I'm not gonna feel like this tonight so should we do something with this wonderful mood I'm still in?"

"Well, I can see you're in a good mood but after that singing my mood was shot to hell," I quickly stick my tongue out at her and before I know a pillow is coming at my face, full force…and I've gotta hand it to her, she has a strong hit.

"Alright, this works too," I take the pillow from my side of the bed, hitting her back, but without a second's notice another pillow is in my face, knocking me off balance and throwing me to the floor.

"Luke!" she squeals looking over the bed where I'm laying on the floor, feeling very taken advantage of.

"You did not just do that," immediately I'm up off the floor, spearing her to the other side of her bed, landing on top of her in the most awkward position known to man for two friends who just made out while one is going out with the others best friend.

"Um…so…" she stutters, trying to find something to say to me because I still haven't moved. I'm still hovering over her, unable to make myself go somewhere else.

"So…" my breathing is shallow, and I don't know what else to do but let my head drop towards hers, and I know how wrong it is again, but it's all I seem to want to do when I see her smile. I'm less than a centimeter away when she whispers something.

"Luke, we can't do this again," and I nod, I know she's right, there's no doubts there…but I can't help myself.

"I can't stop it," my voice is soft again, and she nods, letting her eyes close as her arms snake around my neck pulling me down faster to her. It's just as we're both anticipating what's coming that the front door opens and Brooke's voice is ringing through the house, her footsteps pounding up the stairs.

"Oh my God," she half whispers/half screams, quickly using her right hand to thrust into my chest, pushing me away with an unbelievable amount of strength for how small she is. I quickly hit the floor from her shove, watching as she dove under the covers and closed her eyes, and I mimicked her actions on the floor as Peyton kicked down an extra comforter and pillow.

"Hey, lazy asses, time to say goodbye to Brooke!" she shouted, making her presence known to probably the whole neighborhood. It then struck me that she was leaving, she was headed off to some big fashion show that her parents got her tickets for…and I had forgotten all about it until now.

* * *

**Brooke entered Peyton's** room, I could hear her feet, and she giggled at us… me respectably on the floor, or so it seemed. And Peyton sleeping soundly in her bed, it suddenly seemed clear how deceiving appearances really were.

"Okay, Broody and Goldilocks, time to get the hell outta bed and say goodbye to me! I'm leaving today, you two, you should be crying and depressed," she giggled again, sitting on the edge of Peyton's bed. I heard Peyton roll over, the bed creaking beside me, and I knew it was safe to let my eyes open. I look up to see the girls talking quietly, Brooke looking so happy with the way her life's going, if only she knew.

"Hey, I'm sorry we weren't up," I stand, letting her hug me, unable to make eye contact with Peyton who I knew was staring. We had really screwed things up again, and I knew this was no time for Peyton to be getting involved with anyone, she needed to fix herself first, not to mention I was with her best friend – timing just never worked for the two of us.

"Eh, don't worry. P. Sawyer needs her sleep," she winked at the girl in front of us, launching herself into Peyton's arms only seconds later.

"I'll miss ya, B. Davis," Peyton was amazing at making this fake life around her, this fake smile that seemed totally real to everyone but me.

"You too…but I'm being nice and leaving you with my wonderful boyfriend, I'm sure he'll take pretty good care of you. So, you be nice, Luke," she looks up at me, her eyes gleaming, making my heart skip a beat, I'm such an asshole.

"Scouts honor," I joke, holding up my hand as Brooke laughs, hugging me again and pulling me out into the hallway. Immediately she kisses me, catching me just slightly off guard I kiss her back, but I know that my heart isn't in it the way she wants it to be.

"I'll see you in a week. I love you, Luke," she smiles, but it's just not the same anymore.

"You too, call me."

I'm not sure if she notices I didn't say the words back to her, I'd always been so free with them before…but now it felt like a lie, and now I couldn't make myself say them to the girl in front of me.

"Will do, please help her, Lucas."

"I've got it all under control, we'll be fine."

* * *

**She nods her** head, taking off down the stairs and back out the front door. My heart aches, and as I enter Peyton's room she's in tears again, her head buried in her hands. I knew it was affecting her, but now I finally see how much she's hurt by what we did, what we're doing – at this point neither of us know where we stand with anything.

"Hey…you okay?" she looks up at me, the sadness is so apparent that it hurts me to look at her right now.

"No…Luke, what're we doing? We can't do this to her again…she's so happy."

"We'll just make it a one time thing, and what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I don't want to see her that hurt again, either. And I know it's a really shitty thing not to tell her, but if she doesn't know, then we're all better off," I take my seat on the floor, she moves down next to me as I run my hands through my hair, why did I have to make things so stressful?

"Why are we never just friends?" and there it was.

"We've never been just friends…and I honestly don't know if we'll ever be able to be just friends…"

"But why is it so damn hard for us? No one else has a problem being friends with their best friend's boyfriend…what's wrong here? We're fucking everything up again, and we were just about to do it again. Maybe you should leave, maybe that would make it easier," I shake my head at her adamantly.

"I told you I'm not leaving. God damn it, Peyton! Have a little bit of faith in me, and stop pushing me away," I rose my voice, and I knew the moment I did it that it wasn't the right move.

"I'm sorry, Luke, I'm so sorry," she cried, "I just can't go through all of this again with Brooke and you, plus this whole drug thing on top of it, it's too much."

"Okay, let's just take it one step at a time. We won't worry about the Brooke thing, let's just concentrate on you getting better for now and then once we conquer that, we'll figure the rest out…" she nodded, but she continued crying, letting some of that pent up emotion out in front of me, "C'mere."

I pulled her to me again, holding her against my chest on the floor against the bed. We were going to take things one step at a time, and while it was such a calming thought I couldn't get the big picture out of my head…and I didn't know how I was going to survive a week without Brooke, because when she was around it reminded me that everything I was beginning to want again was off limits. And without her I was never good at avoiding the temptation, but for now her heart beat against my own lulled us both to sleep for a few more hours where we could escape the world outside.


	7. Love You More

**Drugs or Me **

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the wait, I've been working a lot on my other fic _The Saddest Song_because there's been a big thing going on there. But I'm back with an update…well I started this update a while ago, but my computer needed to be erased which makes me angry so I had to redo this one. The song that makes up the chapter title won't actually be in the chapter, I just found it was fitting, anyway, here you is:

**Chapter 7: Love You More

* * *

**

_**- '**I wish that you could see the stranger next to me. You're sorry, you swear it, you're done, but I can't tell you from the drugs' - _

**Two hours of** sleep is the most sleep I've gotten in days, and I have a feelings it's all I'm gonna get for a while. We've spent the whole morning in and out of her bathroom, she's spent the whole morning trying to push me away, while I've done nothing but try to hold her. I don't know if I'm making any progress at all with her, it seems like I am, but every time I get somewhere she falls three steps back down.

I stand behind her, making sure her hair is out of the way as she heaves over the porcelain bowl. I cringe a few times at the process, it's even worse when she gets to the point that there's nothing left for her to throw up, just her body is pushing her to throw something up. I see the discomfort it's been causing her, and finally it's about ten thirty that I watch her lay her head on the bathroom floor in fatigue. She's exhausted from the events of the night, I can't even imagine what she's feeling.

"C'mere," I slip my hands beneath her, taking her into my arms as I did just two days before. I struggled to find my balance, and now that I have it I'm able to get her into her bed, so hopefully she can find the time to close her eyes for a little while.

A stray piece of hair falls on her face while she's looking at me, I move it away, receiving the smallest smile for my good deed. I nod over to the chair at her desk, trying to indicate that's where I would be, but she doesn't seem to have the strength to nod to me.

"Luke," her voice is hoarse from the acid burning through her throat over the night, but I hear her well enough. "Could you…lay with me?" I realize how hard it is for her to ask me for any type of help or assistance, and taking this into consideration I see how big of a step it is.

I stand, kicking the work boots off my feet and lay beside her. I don't expect anything other than her to sleep where she is, but to my surprise she rolls into my arms, letting me embrace her tightly against my own chest. My heartbeat against her ear lulls her to sleep, and I'm glad, but even in her sleep she doesn't look at peace with anything. I don't really know how long it's going to take her to get through all of this, and sometimes I wonder if she'll ever be back to who she was.

* * *

**It's been another** two hours I realize when the vibrations of my phone startle me. I had only dozed off for about forty-five minutes of those two hours, it's too hard to sleep with so much on my mind. I know Peyton is only able to close her eyes out of pure exhaustion, I know she has just as much on her mind as I do.

I don't want to wake her, but I worry that it could be my mom calling my phone, and seeing as she's let me spend nights at Peyton's and skip school days I think it would be wrong not to answer. But when I get downstairs I find it's only Jake's name flashing across my colored cell phone screen.

"Hello?" I make sure to keep my voice low, I refuse to wake her.

"Lucas, hey, man…it's Jake. I'm just calling to get an update," he sounds happy to me, and well rested. I wonder what it feels like to be well rested, because I don't think I can remember anymore.

"Hey," I don't know how to inform him of the situation, how do you start off talking about your friend's drug addict ex-girlfriend? "Uh, she's alright, she's sleeping now. It's just been stressful, I guess?"

"That's good, I'm glad she's resting. So, the detectives found Jenny and they've got her in protective custody right now, neither of us are allowed to see her, but I guess I'm just happy she's not under Nikki's control anymore. They're doing the trial back up in North Carolina, so the good news is I think I'll be back in a few days. So, you'll be able to spend time with Brooke, I feel bad about tearing you away from everything…"

"You didn't tear me away, Jake, it was my choice to come here and stay with her. She's still my friend and Brooke's away for the week. I want to be here," I tell him defensively, and I know I've snapped at him, but for him to act like I don't care makes me feel like crap.

"I know she's your friend, Luke, I never said she wasn't. It's just I kinda felt like when I talked to you on the phone that I forced you over there. You've been staying there?" he seemed shocked that I'm still here, and I want to punch him for the tone of voice he's using with me. Like I'm a little kid, personally I think he's still threatened by what Peyton and I had, and maybe still have.

"Yeah, I've been here for almost the last week probably, she's been having a hard time…"

"Over night?"

"Yeah, she's asked me to stay with her," I smirked as I make that remark to him, I can hear his breath catch in her throat.

"Well, that's good…um, I'll be home in like two days, so…I guess just tell her that, and I'll talk to ya later," he hangs up on me abruptly, I know what I said to him is making him panic, he's worrying that Peyton won't be here waiting for him. And at the rate we're going, I don't know if she'll be waiting for him either, I don't know what either of us wants.

* * *

**Back in her** room Peyton's laying on the bed, the sounds of an underground band filling her room, it's kind of a depressing song. I sit on the edge of the bed, she looks pale and tired to me, like she doesn't have much strength left after the stressful night.

"Sleep well?"

"I did…until you left," she smiles at me, letting her small fingers graze mine.

"Sorry…Jake called…" her eyes dart to meet mine, searching for an answer, for what I want to say to her. "He, uh…they found Jenny and they're doing a trial back up here, so he said he'll be back in two days…" I let my sentence fall, I watch her, wondering what type of reaction I'm going to get.

"Two days?"

"Yeah, he wants to see you when he gets back. He seemed a little weird about me having stayed here all week, I think he's worried. You can call him if you want," my suggestion receives a blank stare and then a slow shake of her head.

"I don't want to…" she seems to be in deep thought before speaking again, "are you gonna leave when he gets back?"

"He seemed kinda ready to come back to take care of you when he could, between what's going on with Jenny. So, I guess he's expecting me to leave…" I don't know what else to say about the topic, Jake's ready to step back in, and truthfully Peyton doesn't belong to me anymore, but she never really did. She gave her heart to Jake, and I guess even after the events of the past two days, I do have to respect that.

She doesn't say anything, just nods to me, closing her eyes for a few extra seconds.

"So, we've got these next two days?" I feel ashamed to leave her, when I promised her I'd be there with her every step of the way. But neither of us could have predicted the return of Jake, or the feelings we'd have after a week together.

"Yeah…do you want something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Peyt, you haven't eaten much in days, how do you feel?"

"I dunno, alright. I'm just really tired, and I can't guarantee how long I'm going to feel alright. Lucas, did you ever…have you ever thought to send me off to a rehab center or something like that?"

I didn't know how to answer that question, I was startled to even hear it come from her mouth, I thought that would be the last place she wanted to go. I thought if she needed to hear the truth, and in the end I decided it was the best idea.

"Honestly, I did. I didn't know if I was going to be able to help you through all of this, and I guess I'm still not totally sure. But I just thought, that was the last place you'd wanna be…but if you want to go I can –"

"No…no I don't want to go anywhere, I just wanted to know what went through your head. Thanks for telling me the truth," I nodded at her, wondering what was going through _her_ head.

"Do you wanna try to go to the café…my mom won't be there, she said she was taking off today to go spend the night with Keith somewhere. Haley and Nathan might be there, but maybe it'll help to do something normal."

"I can try, I mean I don't think I can stay there long, I don't really have too much energy, but sure," she seemed very optimistic and the moment is nice to have with her, I don't know how often the normal side of her is going to show up in the coming months or however long this might take, I just hope a few moments like this will shine through.

* * *

**We walk into **my mom's café to find Haley standing behind the counter looking as bored as ever. When she hears the bells jingle she looks up, her reaction immediately becomes one of shock. She steps out to see Peyton, and I already know how sick she looks but I think it catches Haley off guard.

"Hey, Hales," Peyton musters a small grin for the girl in front of us, stepping into Haley's arms for a hug.

"How ya doin, Peyton?" I see Peyton wipe away a small tear, which worries me until she flashes another smile back at me. I know it's fake, but I figure it's nice of her to try at least.

"Eh, not so good. We just came to pick up some food, he made me get outta the house, and told me I needed to eat. So here we are."

"What'd ya want? Hey, Nathan!" she calls back through the café, and a few seconds later I see my brother appear from the back.

"Hey guys, Luke your mom asked me to help since she knew you couldn't…" he tries to explain himself, but I just shake my head.

"Don't worry about it, it's cool. We just came to get food, um, Haley, how about two burgers and some fries," I focus my attention back to Peyton, "you can just eat whatever you want outta that, and I'll finish it," I wink at her, watching her smirk.

"Hey, Peyton," she immediately falls into Nathan's arms, I guess I never realized how close they were, or became, but it's apparent in the way he holds her. He's like an older brother to her, and it's nice to know that once Jake's back and I'm out of the picture, that Nathan will make sure she's alright.

"You ready to go?" I ask after a few minutes while she's still talking to Nathan. I watch her slowly deteriorate in that time period, her body begins to shake again as she rubs her left hand along the inside of her right arm.

"Mmhmm…" she walks out in front of me, Nathan sends me a look as I glance back at them.

"She'll be okay…it's just setting back in again is all…" I guess Haley sees my defeated look, she walks to me, wrapping her arms around my neck, knowing I'm unable to respond with the bags in my hands.

"You're a really good guy, Lucas," she smiles at me when she pulls away, Nathan just nods from where he's standing.

"Jake's coming back in two days," I tell them, my face falling under the information finally seeming very real to me.

"You're leaving her?" Nathan chimes in, and all I can do is nod at him.

"Jake said he's coming back to take care of her, and let's face it, her heart is with him…" I walk through the front door to see Peyton shaking on the bench, tears pouring from her eyes.

"Hey, I'm sorry…" I transfer one of the bags to my other hand, leaving a free hand that I place on the small of her back as we walk.

"For what?"

"For bringing you out here, I just thought it might help if you saw something normal…can I ask you something?"

"You don't have to be sorry," she casts me a teary eyed grin, the most she can give me right now, "It did help, I just couldn't help what happened. And go for it," she wipes at her tears with back of her hands.

"Why were you rubbing your arms like that when you were talking to Nathan?"

"My muscles are really sore," she rubs her arm once more, signaling to me the pain she's got in all the parts of her body. I don't know if Jake's gonna be able to handle this, I have to wonder. And on top of everything with Jenny I just hope he's not getting in over his head.

"Are you gonna be okay to get back to the house?"

"Yeah, I'll make it there. I kinda wish you weren't leaving," she whispers, unable to look at me.

"Me too…but hey, look at me," she turns her head to me, the tears still apparent in her eyes, "If you need me after I leave don't be scared to call, I don't care what time. Remember that, even if it's three in the morning I'll be there," she nods, grabbing the hand I had on her back and holding it in her own, and it's nice to see her not so angry for a little while.

* * *

**Okay, it wasn't that eventful but as you can tell it's setting up some other plot points in there. Anyway, um, so the stuff with the withdrawal is true information, I made sure to look it up. Muscle soreness, depression, fatigue, vomiting, etc… are all symptoms of cocaine withdrawal, just so you know. Anyway, review and let me know what you think of what's coming up!**


	8. Wounded

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay, you know with the weather getting nicer and there's been a lot of testing in school…there hasn't been too much time for writing. I do still enjoy it though, no doubt about that, and these stories are always in the back of my mind. So anyway, I hope you still like the story :)

**Chapter 8: Wounded

* * *

**

_-'(take me) I need your help (so far away) To pull me up, take the wheel (take me) Out from me (so far away) Out from me' - _

**It's been those **two days Jake had told me of. My heart beat is rapid, I find the gap of time I have left with her is growing smaller and smaller. She's only gotten worse over the last two days, the shaking has been enough to terrify us both, and she's cried enough to fill quite a few buckets with her tears. I know she's tired, but she's unable to sleep, even when I'm next to her. I have questioned myself numerous times on Jake's ability to step into this and take care of her, but I guess I don't really have a choice, _she's not mine_.

And I'm beginning to realize just how much it hurts to come to that realization.

"When's he getting here?" her words always make her sound like she's in pain, I'd overcome the fear of that eighteen hours ago. And in the last 48 hours I've gotten fifteen more minutes of sleep. I'm so tired I can't see straight, but the exhaustion is nothing compared to what she's gone through, I guess that's how I've reasoned staying up so long.

"About ten minutes, he said," I think I'm slurring my words, I can't really even tell anymore. I just know I'm craving a donut and some sleep. It has occurred to me that it won't be easy to just go home and sleep after days of this, just leaving her in the hands of someone else leaves a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Ten minutes is easily transformed into four when he comes bounding up the stairs, a small smile gracing his face. Peyton and I both face him, I think the same scowl appears on both of our faces at his happiness, neither of us remembers what that's like at this rate.

"Hey, Luke," he looks surprised to see me here, it takes a lot of control not to smirk at his shock.

"Hey…I figured I'd wait with her till you got here, don't wanna leave her alone. I mean she hasn't been alone in like a week, so…you know you can't leave her alone right?" Jake raises his eyebrows at my words, he shakes his head. "Well, you can't leave her, man, she needs constant care. I mean I haven't slept more than three hours this whole last week…"

I can see the surprise cross his face, as hard as he tries to hide it. It's so painfully obvious that he didn't know what he was getting into, but he puts up a strong face to make it look like he can step in and be Superman here. I think Peyton and I both know it's not possible, even I was torn down by the situation, crying on Haley's shoulder when things got too rough. I don't know how he thinks he's going to handle the whole Jenny/Nikki thing and give Peyton his undivided attention. I don't know why he thought this was going to be so low maintenance.

But I'm willing to let him try to watch him fail.

And I don't know when I got so spiteful, I don't know when I decided this was a competition, but it passes without saying between Jake and I that it is. A competition for her heart, for who can be the better man here…even though I shouldn't be in this competition at all – Brooke's going to be back soon enough.

"We'll be okay," he stutters out, I have to cough to cover my laugh. Instead of starting anything I make my way to Peyton who lays watching the exchange between us.

"How you doin?" I ask her quietly, she smiles up at me, shaking her head. "That's good. I'm glad," I tease her, getting a small giggle. I don't know what the last two days have done to her, but she's seemed so much more open with me…she reminds me of a little girl today.

"I'll be okay," she whispers.

I lean closer to her ear, making sure only she can hear my words, "If you need me for anything, don't hesitate to call. I'm serious, I'll be over as soon as I hear you need me. To tell you the truth, I don't think he can handle this…but I'll let him try if you want…" she nods at me, her eyes wide at my confession. "Alright, alright. I'll give him a chance…even if you just need to talk, you can call, Peyt. I'll miss ya," I wink in her direction before turning back to Jake who had just watched the whole scene in jealousy, I can't believe how on his sleeve his emotions are.

"I'll see ya later, Jake…if you have any trouble gimme a call," I try not to smile too much at him, he nods, giving me a strange look on my way out. I don't know what keeps me outside her doorway for a few extra minutes, but it almost amuses me to hear him talking to her.

"Hey, I missed you," he says loudly, I can almost picture her wincing in my head. I hear her mumble a 'yeah, you too' back to him, and it makes my heart ache. I know she won't be okay with him there, I know he won't know how to take care of her, and it worries me. As scary as it was for me, I had learned to help her, to know what she was telling me without her having to actually tell me anything. Now, I feel like she's starting over.

And I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world as I walk down the stairs and out her front door. All I can remember are the words I had said to her over and over: that I wouldn't leave, that I would be with her every step of the way. I watch her house disappear in my rear view mirror, and I feel so utterly powerless.

* * *

**Haley and Nathan** are sitting on my front porch when I pull up, she waves happily to my truck. Nathan just laughs at her, which is all I can do right now…I figure when all else fails, all I can do is laugh. That and I haven't had sleep in nearly a week, I think I'm slightly delirious and that my ride home had the potential to be fatal.

"Hey," I stand in front of them, wondering why they had decided to make an appearance on my porch.

"Hey," Haley wraps her arms around my neck, whispering near my ear, "How was it?"

I know she's referring to leaving Peyton behind, I guess they noticed how close we had been too. It was the closest we had ever been, she had become like a best friend to me over the last week, she had been so open with me about her emotions, like the withdrawal had torn down the wall I'd been working on for a year.

"Sucked…just like I expected. I think he's getting in over his head," Nathan lets his eyes meet mine, he stands making Haley the smallest between us again.

"Probably…but you had to let him try, right?" my thinking exactly, and I know why he's my brother in that moment.

"Exactly what I was thinking. I told her to call me, I just feel like an asshole leaving her when all I did was promise her that I would never leave again," I heave a sigh which only causes Haley to shoot me a worried look.

"Well, we mostly came to see if you wanted to go grab pizza with us…I know you haven't really eaten or slept in the last week, so you know pizza and caffeine would probably be nice," she smiles sweetly at me, making it very hard to refuse.

"Yeah, sure…just don't let me fall asleep at the table," she laughs at my lame joke attempt, she always makes me feel better by doing that. My jokes suck, I'm man enough to admit that, but the laugh from her always boosted my ego just a bit.

* * *

**It's getting dark**, it's going to be the first night I don't spend with her in nearly a week…and my bed doesn't feel nearly as comfortable without her warm body next to me. But let's face it, a piece of wood would feel like a cloud if I had her next to me. And that realization hits me like a ton of bricks, Brooke would be coming home soon, I still have to remind myself of that.

My thoughts inevitably wander to Jake and Peyton. I have to wonder if he's laying with her, or if he left her alone in the bed, if he's been holding her hair out of the way while she's heaving over the porcelain toilet. Has he been rubbing her back when she lays back down after the bathroom excursion, I know it's the one thing that's able to calm her down. When she cries, does he wipe her tears and ask her what's wrong? Or does he just pass her the tissue box…and the thought of him not doing all of that automatically makes me want to walk over there and strangle him. She needs them to get through this, those small things were what kept her sane.

I feel my eyes close slowly, I try desperately to hold them open but it's no use. It's been days without real sleep and just as they drift closed the phone rings. My heart lurches, but drops again as Brooke's name flashes. And then I feel sick to my stomach thinking my heart had dropped at her name – what the hell is wrong with me?

"Luke!" she chirps happily, making me cringe.

"Hey, hey," I try my hardest to sound happy for her, I find it very hard to fake.

"I can't talk long, babe. I just wanted to tell you I've gotta spend the rest of Christmas break here, my designs made it to the next round! I know it sucks spending Christmas here, but I made friends, and we'll just do the gift thing when I get back. Tell your mom I said Merry Christmas…hopefully I'll be back in time for New Years. I'll call you soon, Luke, love you," she gets it all out in nearly one breath, this only proves to make me more tired.

"Yeah, sure, you too. Night," I let the phone fold closed against my shoulder, I think I just hung up on her…but I'm so dead tired that I don't even care anymore.

"_Hey there, beautiful," she smiles happily, pulling the door open to reveal the black dress that hugs her curves perfectly. She's sexy, there's no denying that, and I'm unable to keep my hands from her as I step inside._

"_Hey!" she hits my arm, "We've got your mom's wedding to make it to, and you're the best man what are you doing here?"_

"_I couldn't miss out on seeing you before," I smile happily at the girl in front of me. It feels so good to be past the whole drug ordeal, to be happy with her, the way I wanted._

"_Well, thank you," she pecks her lips against mine, which turn into so much more as I catch her wrist, pulling her back again. "My lip stick," she mumbles against my lips, making me laugh. _

_She doesn't protest as I position my hands beneath her legs, lifting her up against my chest as I had the night she came home in the rain. I barely make it to the couch with her before desire overcomes us both. She's frantically pulling my tie from my neck as I move to grab the zipper from the back of her dress._

"_What about the wedding?" she giggles, unbuttoning my collared shirt one by one._

"_We've got an hour before I have to be there…and if that's not enough time…" I pause to think about if an hour is quite possibly not enough time "Well, I'm the best man they'll wait for me," I feel her small hands grab either side of my face, pulling me down to her lips again. _

_The way she tastes is exactly as I remember it, the room is quiet around us except for the moans we're both letting out as results of the pleasure…and strangely, out of nowhere the sounds of The Used break into the room, but it disturbs neither of us. "The Taste of Ink" is blaring through the room, the kissing grows more heated._

"Not enough to feed the hungry, I'm tired and I've felt it for a while now…" I jump from my spot on the bed, the last four hours have felt like five minutes of sleep to my tired body. It takes a second to register that it's my ring tone that had sliced into my dream, and that my phone is still ringing.

Everything's a blur when I see Jake's name on my called ID. He wouldn't be calling unless he really needed help, no one gives up the fight for the girl that easily. It has to be an emergency.

"Hello?"

"Luke…you know I wouldn't be calling, but she's shaking and crying and won't let me touch her and I don't know what to do. She's crying that it's never been this bad," my heart is racing, I can hear her screaming and sobbing hysterically in the background which propels me to fly through the door and floor the gas pedal to her house.

I make it there in an insane amount of time, surprising the hell out of me when I find no helicopters searching for the boy who was doing 60 down the streets of Tree Hill. I know for a fact I broke quite a few laws, I thank the lord when I realize it's 2 AM and no cops are out in Tree Hill now, it's a safe little town where no one does sixty miles per hour down 25 side streets…besides insane kids going back to their ex-girlfriend who's a recovering drug-addict sitting with her ex-boyfriend who said speeding kid is in a competition with for said recovering girl even though said kid has a girlfriend of a few months.

I turn the handle with full knowledge that it wouldn't be locked…but since Jake's there things have changed and the handle won't turn. I hear her heart-breaking screams from my position on the steps, my heart's beating out of my chest, I have no other option but to bust through the weak door, leaving scraps of wood around the entrance way.

My feet won't move half as fast as I'd like them to, and it seems that my legs have picked this one moment to feel like jello, not taking me up the stairs as fast as my brain is trying to get to her. I can feel her pain coursing through my vains, and the sight in front of me makes my mind scream at me to turn back around.

* * *

**She's writhing in** the sheets on the bed, rolling back and forth, crying and screaming, unable to control herself. Jake stands to the side looking petrified at her form, he had never seen this part of her…had I not been witnessing this I imagine I would feel a little triumphant over Jake, but I don't have time to think about anyone but the girl in front of me.

"Peyton…" she doesn't hear me over her own screams, I can see that. She looks like she's in so much pain that it's breaking my heart over and over again. I know I have to take immediate action, and it's almost on instinct that I grab her body with my arms, using a lot of strength to try to control her against me. Her arms are flailing, she's kicking, screaming, having some sort of a temper tantrum.

Without thinking I'm able to hit the handle to the faucet of the shower, turning the cold water on as quickly as I can. The shower curtain falls under the pressure I'm pulling at it with, but her screams in my ears don't allow me to act as sensibly as I would like to.

"Peyton!" I desperately try to get through to her, to make contact with the part of her that knows what's going on and is trying to escape it all. I feel my legs moving beneath me, taking us both into the cold water, my shoes and all. The water makes me shiver involuntarily, but I watch in amazement as her screaming subsides at the touch of the liquid, she's trying to catch her breath, sniffling and suddenly huddling against me.

She's taking in very small, shallow breaths, unable to regain control of her air intake. I keep her close to my chest, tucking her under my chin. The water has a way of calming her, though it's cold I know it's the only thing keeping her sane right now. I feel the water slowly pouring through my work boots, seeping through my jeans and shirt, dripping off of my hair into my eyes. Her shirt slowly grows heavy, sticking and molding around her pale skin. She's seems so small against me now, I can feel her still trying to make the tears stop.

"It's okay now, I promise," I whisper to her ear, making sure she knows I'm here now, that I'll be here. She nods against my chest, I lay a protective kiss on her forehead, rubbing my hands up and down her arms a few times.

"Too cold," I can hear her mumble quietly, which I take into consideration. We're both shivering, the best move is for me to switch the handle over with my boot, and I know this works as the warm water slowly pours over us now. Her shaking slowly but surely begins to subside, her breathing is coming back to normal, and when I'm finally able to glance back into her room I can see Jake is gone…that he's most likely been gone when he saw Peyton tuck herself into me. I think he knows he's not the one she needs right now.

"Luke?" she looks up at me, almost somewhat shocked to see me there, to be in my arms. I realize how far gone she was for a little while, to not realize who was there.

"Hey, yeah, I'm here now…" I stay low and quiet, just loud enough to talk over the water engulfing us.

"I thought it was you…you know…you're the only one who can take care of me like that," she says softly, tucking her head back down below me. She's always so much more vulnerable after things like that, always able to admit what I mean to her after things like that.

"Are you leaving?" her voice cracks suddenly, surprising us both there.

"I'm not going anywhere, I told you if you needed me I'd be here. I promised you that much…"

"I know, I just –"

"Just, nothing…I'm here, Peyton. That's all you have to worry about, and I'll be here all night long, for as long as you need me to be here. C'mon, let's get some dry stuff on and go to bed…after all the screaming you have to be tired," I feel her relax in my arms as I use the walls for leverage to get out of the tub.

I'm dripping literally from head to toe, the water puddling on the floor around me. I know I can't do that to her rugs, they would be soaked by the time we got downstairs to the laundry room.

"Just take it off here," she tells me tiredly, she wriggles away from my arms, independently standing on the bathroom floor by herself. I watch her struggling with her wet shirt, she's unable to peel it away from her skin because of the water sticking it to her.

"Here," I let my hands run along the hem of the fabric near her stomach. I can feel her eyes on my fingers, but I keep moving, pulling her shirt up slowly, revealing her body to me. There's no part of us that's actually touching, but it's the closest I've been to anyone. The silence around us is deafening, her small hands slowly make their way to my shirt, helping me pull it up over my head.

"I just wanted to thank you..." she won't look at me, just concentrates on the buckle of my belt around my waist. Slowly she unbuttons my jeans, watching them fall to my boots. I kick the boots off, the puddles surrounding us from everything. I know none of this is going to help her, but we're not really doing anything wrong…yet. I know that it won't go any farther than this, we both know our limits now, we've both learned from our mistakes in some way.

I slip the sweat pants from her waist until they are down around her ankles. She looks up at me with lost eyes, both of us standing there in wet under-garments, unsure of what should happen next. I know she wants to know where to go from here. I can feel how nervous she is in front of me, but at the same time she's totally comfortable standing there.

"You tired?" I ask her gently, watching her nod her head. I'm thinking we'll both at least get a good hour in tonight, we're both exhausted from the events of just a few hours before. "I'm gonna go grab some dry stuff from your dad's room, I'll be right back…"

* * *

**When I re-enter**, she's in dry panties and a bra, but still no more clothing than before. It doesn't really shock me, I hadn't intended on sleeping with a shirt anyway. I place myself on her large bed, sitting more towards the middle, pulling the sheet back to welcome her to me. She follows my actions, pushing herself close to me. I lay, putting my head on the pillow I'd been laying on for the past week, I've kind of claimed it as mine.

Her wandering hands make their way to the waist band of my sweat pants, sliding them down to my knees, and I know she can't reach any farther than that. I see from the innocent look in her eyes she doesn't want that…she wants nothing more than to be as close as she can get to me. I feel her shaking starting again, and every time it happens it occurs to me how dependent she was on the drugs she was taking.

"C'mere," I pull her closer to me, kicking the sweat pants into a ball under the covers. I had a pair of shorts on underneath, which she immediately recognized, entangling her legs with mine. I don't know what's suddenly brought on this need for closeness, but it does feel nice. Brooke's never been willing to lay with me, she's always moving, never slowing down to just enjoy our time together.

Her skin is flush against my own, the warmth radiating between us is a new feeling compared to the cold water we had sat under for nearly thirty minutes. I let my calloused fingers trace circles along the outside of her thigh, my heartbeat once again lulls her to sleep. Her breathing evens out beside me, and when I see her laying calmly it gives me eyes the incentive to close.

_I know I can't sleep anymore without knowing she's asleep beside me.

* * *

_

**That was kind of a long one too. I know it was a lot crammed in here, but I really liked the overall outcome. Everything with Jake went along the way I wanted it to go, and the whole scene when Jake calls Lucas is something I've had in mind since I started the story. Anyway, I hope you liked it though, REVIEW, let me know!**


	9. No Way to Reach Me

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Wow, thanks so much for the reviews, I'm glad you guys liked the last chapter as much as I did. I don't know how great this one will be compared to the other, but hopefully you like it.

**Chapter 9: No Way to Reach Me**

_- '(Take me) If only you could see (I need your help), (So far away) The stranger next to me (To pull me up take the wheel)' – _

**Christmas is only **three days away, the unusually warm weather we were having was suddenly transformed into winter. The radio has been on very low, informing me that it's only thirty degrees outside, I can't really feel it, not with how tightly she's wrapped inside my arms. I know she's awake, I can tell from the way her heart is pounding in her chest. She's scared of what's forming between us again…to be honest so am I.

I'm amazed at where we are right now, it's somewhere I could've never foreseen a year ago. Back when she wanted **nothing** to do with me and I wanted **everything** to do with her. Here we are now though, the same people, both stuck mid-way from where we were. She's the girl who's _trying_ not to want **anything** to do with me, and I'm the boy who's _trying_ not to want **everything **with her, I'm still dating her best friend. And I can't be sure how she feels after the last few weeks, but I'm still trying to respect the fact that she felt something very powerful for Jake, something more than what she felt for me…or so I've heard. And I have to remind myself that her heart may still be with him, that she may never let me back in. I'm not even supposed to want back in…but I do.

And I'm mentally kicking myself for being so damn unable to pick one of these girls. I glance over to her bureau, to see a picture of the five of us at one of the beach parties over the summer or early fall. I see myself standing next to Brooke and Peyton, and I know that it was never me being unable to pick. It was me being impatient and a sixteen year old boy who was unsure he would be able to handle all of the issues that she came with. And it was so ridiculously wrong of me, now that I look at it in hindsight. And laying with her now I know I can handle those issues, I want to…I need to. And I'm still not supposed to, I'm still tied down.

I see that she's also looking at the picture, I feel her heart speed up even more in her chest. Finally it's becoming painfully obvious there's a picture sitting in the frame behind her portrait of us. I really don't want to pry, but I'm curious, I want to know what she's trying so desperately to keep hidden.

"Go see," she says quietly, referring to the picture frame I'd been staring at.

I stand, slowly making my way to her bureau, I don't know what's going to be there. Taking the back from the frame takes longer than I want, but eventually I do pry it off, pulling the second picture out. I feel my heart jump through my chest, it proved everything I'd been thinking about: both of our feelings for the two other people in our lives, that those feelings were temporary. I stood next to Peyton in the captured moment, we were obviously talking but it seemed more like we were off in our own world in that second. Brooke was on the other side of me, sending us both a malicious look, Jake stood on the other side of Peyton watching her as though she was the bane of his existence. But the feeling didn't seem returned, the feeling he had for her was definitely in her eyes…while she was looking at me. And seeing it now, captured in time, all my feelings for her were there too.

Were we all living in another world?

Had everyone been so oblivious to what seemed so obvious in the picture? Were we all blind?

"When was this?" I don't turn to look at her yet, I can't. It would hurt too much to see her so lifeless, but so okay in this picture, so full of life at one time.

"Two weeks before Jake left," she tells me, her voice sounding much stronger than it has. It strikes my memory, I remember the day well. Brooke and I had gotten into a huge fight that night over my lack of attention to her during the day. The picture was proof of my wrong doing.

"Why'd you hide it?"

"For a while…I couldn't bear to look at either of you," I'm surprised to hear such an honest confession from her, it's possible we're making even just the smallest amount of progress.

"What do you want?" I sit next to her still in my boxers.

"To feel okay, to be happy again," she admits, "I **need** to feel okay," she pleads with me. But there's nothing I can do to give her what she wants to feel. It's such an abstract need, something she has to do for herself.

"You will."

"You don't know that."

"No…maybe I don't. But you're strong, and you're so brave, it amazes me. Every day."

"I'm not," she breaks, "Look at you, you've been here taking care of me, because I couldn't take care of myself. All I've done is cry and scream, and lose my self-control, I've been acting like a baby. Jake couldn't even take care of me, he had to call you. I'm weak, Luke."

"What are you talking about, huh?" I lift her chin until her eyes meet my own. "I don't know **anybody** else who could get through this. Your strength always surprises me, you've never ceased to amaze me, remember that," I wink at her quickly, it's nice to see her try to smile for me.

We're both quiet again, she moves to position herself against the headboard, she motions for me to mimic her actions. Her head turns so she can look at me clearly.

"We need to talk…" the seriousness scares me a little, but I already know what this is about.

"Jake," we say at the same time, making her crack a smile at me.

She takes a deep breath, "I loved him, Lucas. Very much, contrary to what you might think or what that picture says or the fact that I took drugs even when I was with him. He meant everything to me for those few months, and I thought when he got back I would stop with the cocaine, that I would be okay as soon as he got back. That we would just kinda pick up where we left off," I watch her fidget with her hands, they're trembling, I see just how hard it is for her to go into everything with Jake.

"Even after these few weeks…you and me…I just thought when he came back yesterday that I would be able to just let you leave and he would take care of me and I would just get better. Obviously, that's not really how things worked out. When he walked into my room yesterday, nothing felt right, watching you leave yesterday didn't feel right. Don't get the wrong impression about you and me, just things with Jake aren't right, and I don't like it when you're not here sometimes. I've gotten used to you again…after everything from before with us, we're a lot better now than we've ever been. And I don't want to lose it, not after everything you've done for me. So, just stay with me…for the rest of this, and we'll figure it out from there."

I nod my head to her, signaling that I would go along with her plan, but I have one question that I need to ask, that I need to know the answer to.

"You and Jake…were you more than…"

"More than you and me?" she questions, watching me nod again.

"What we had was more than what we had…but not more than we have now. I just can't even believe where we're at now, it's definitely not what I expected a few months ago. But then there's always been something between us, I guess you can see that in the picture. It's always gonna be there," she smiles. And it makes me feel a little better, I see she's in better spirits today too, even after last night's scene. "But don't get the wrong idea, Lucas, please," her whole tone changes and I'm not sure what to make of it, I grab her shaking hand, holding it to me.

"About what?"

"Everything with us. You're still with Brooke, we both know that. And things with Jake and I are still up in the air…we can't go jumping to conclusions, hurting people left and right. Just right now…I need you here, so just be with me the way you've been, be here for me until it's over and then we'll work on everything with the four of us. Just please don't leave…"

"I'm not. I won't. I keep telling you I won't, but I left when Jake stepped in…I'm not doing that this time –"

"You're gonna have to later, I need to talk to him still, I need to let him know he should concentrate on things with Jenny and Nikki, that you're here to take care of me for now. I need to let him go gently, he's still part of me, Luke," her eyes meet mine, telling me everything's she's saying is sincere. "I loved him, I can't just toss him aside. Just give me a little time later today when I feel up to it."

"Whatever you want."

**I'm sitting on **my bed, I can feel my eyes closing slowly, but I continue to move around not allowing myself sleep. I left Peyton's an hour ago, she said she wanted to talk to Jake first and she'd call me when he left. I figure the best way to stay awake is to have a talk with my Mom now, it's been a while, I feel like I've kind of neglected her.

"Hey," she's sitting at the kitchen table, drinking something while reading a magazine that's situated on the table in front of her. I have a feeling she's not really concentrating on it, that she's only using it as some type of distraction.

"Lucas…it's been a while," she won't look up at me, she won't even really acknowledge my presence across from her.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't know, can we? I haven't seen you in a week to even say two words to you…and I know it has something to do with Peyton, I get that it's serious. You're a responsible kid, I trust you, and I know you wouldn't do what you're doing if it wasn't something serious, but is it really that much to call me? To let me know you're alive or what's going on that it's taking you away from school or working or anything else a responsible teenager should be doing?"

Her speech only manages to bring me down, make me feel worse about how rash my actions have been lately. I knew from the first night that I should've said something, that I should of told her about everything that was going on around me.

"Look…I really don't know how to explain the last week Mom. And to tell you the truth…I guess part of me didn't want to say anything to you because I didn't want you to see Peyton differently, to look at her like she was someone different. She's made some mistakes, she knows that and I'm trying to help her get past them."

"What kind of mistakes, Lucas?"

She looks stern, but full of sympathy for how tired I am, for all that I'm trying to deal with. And I'm scared to see her reaction to what I'm about to tell her, the information about this girl who's helped her run her night club…I don't want to see the shattered look that will cross her face at the choices Peyton's made.

"She…back when she was with Jake, she started using cocaine, Mom," I quickly avert my eyes down the wood that is our table. I can't bear to see how let down she'll look.

"Wow," she slowly heaves a sigh then speaks again, "Look at me."

I raise my lost, tired eyes toward my Mom, the woman who took care of me and raised me to be the man who is able to stand by Peyton when she needs me. I want to do nothing more than thank her in this moment for making me who I am.

"Lucas, I don't think of her differently…I can't. I know what that girl's been through, what she's dealing with, and while I'm disappointed that she made that choice it could never make me see her any differently. She's seventeen, she made a mistake…and I know that it probably doesn't get me the Mother of the Year Award for telling you this…but I'm glad you're there for her. God knows she needs someone right now, and I can see it in your eyes, how much this is taking from you, but I'm glad that I raised you to be the man you are, being there for her. Can I ask you something?"

I already know what it is…I've known.

"Why you? Why didn't you send Nathan or Haley or even Brooke, she is her best friend. Why did you go?"

"Jake asked me to check on her, and he's a friend of mine, so is she…I couldn't leave her" I tell her as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Is she really just a friend? Is that why you went darting out of here at two in the morning when your phone went off?"

"You heard that?"

"I heard the phone, I heard you run through the house trying to find your keys and I heard you mumbling Peyton as you nearly tripped out the door. I'm a mother, Lucas, I hear it all," she gives me a small smile like she's the all knowing god.

"She's just a friend who needed my help, Mom."

Though I'm not totally sure who I'm trying to convince of this more.

"Right…and would you have sprinted out of here the way you did if that girl Anna had needed you at two AM?"

"Of course."

"Lucas, can I give you a little advice that might help you breathe a little easier?"

"Sure," I do want to hear what she's going to say, I'm hoping it'll help me get out of all of this in one piece.

"I've seen the way you look at that girl, the way you try to hide your smile when she enters Tric every night, or the way your eyes light up when you talk about her. And maybe you love Brooke, I'm not saying anything bad about her, she's a great girl, but you can't control who your heart wants. Just stop lying to yourself for once and maybe things will work themselves out," she winks at me, patting my hand before she stands and walks away with a smile gracing her features.

I'd love to say parents don't know everything…they probably don't. But this time, maybe my mom is right, but for now I'm gonna have to hold onto the lies and hope that advice will still hold true when we're all past this.


	10. Just Another Bad Day

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Thanks for all your reviews, I'm still trying to do these quicker. I hope you're all still enjoying, here you go:

**Chapter 10: Just Another Bad Day

* * *

**

_**- '**(Take me) You promise, you promise that you're done, (Out from me), (So far away) But I Can't tell you from the drugs (Out from me)' - _

**Sometimes I do** wonder how we got here…and I often ponder the what ifs that plague my mind most days. Why couldn't it have just stayed the way it was? Me and Haley against the world, things were a lot simpler, life was so much easier then. I had thought for so long that Haley and I would end up together, even thought I was never really able to make myself see her that way. I guess it always seemed like a given to me, I was comfortable with her, I always have been.

But then Peyton Sawyer entered my life sophomore year…well I'd always known who she was, but she had always been someone I watched from my sort of outcasted position in the social scene. Always someone I would never be able to have, but here we are. Here we are.

"_Move it Lucas," Nathan shouted in my fourteen year old face, either grade had just ended, it was my birthday. We were all ready to be freshman, and Nathan, as expected, thought he was a big shot, Mr. Freshman, already on the basketball team before we had even graduated. He was too good for try-outs I guess._

"_This isn't your street, Nathan. It's a free country," I quickly shot back, I had always hated his arrogance but for him to be so downright mean to me on **my** birthday made me angry. He didn't really care though, just smirked as his basketball friends and a lonely blonde tagged along; Peyton, the girl who was just automatically expected to hate my guts._

"_Happy Birthday…I'm sorry about him…" she gave me a grin before she followed after his little posse._

It hadn't been then that I fell for her…but it had flipped my little kid world, that someone in the crowd did have a heart.

Again, my cell phone rings – scares the hell out of me every time. She sounds upset, like she was crying and I can feel my blood beginning to boil.

"What happened?" I'm quick to jump down her throat, to make sure he did nothing to hurt her.

"I just…I can't believe I did that to him, and I can't stop shaking, Luke, I can't stop shaking," her cries continue to tear me apart just as much as the first time I heard them a little over a week ago.

"Hey, just hold on, I'll be over, calm down…" I quickly hang the phone up and run through the kitchen again. My mom quickly steps in my way this time, and I'm feeling the overwhelming need to push her out of my way.

"Lucas…" she has a stern look on her face but pulls a bag from the counter, "take this with you…I've been reading up on what she's going through. Just make sure you stay with her at all times so she doesn't get anymore from anyone. Call me if you need anything…please take care of her, you know I love her as if she was my own," she smiles at me then pulls me into her arms for a hug. I can't even explain how much I love her for this.

* * *

**I arrive to **hear her music blaring through the house. It worries me when she does this. The scene scares me again when I walk in, to see her shaking on top of her bed. She's sweating like crazy and I know there's nothing I can do to help that part.

"Hey," she looks up at me with terrified eyes, I can see her foot bleeding all over her sheets. I can feel the sickening feeling rising up through my stomach.

"I…I broke my last vile…"

"I dumped your last vile days ago," I move closer to where she's sitting to try to see how badly she's injured.

"I had an extra," she suddenly confesses to me, "I didn't mean it, but the look on his face when I told him that he couldn't handle me, that he needed to spend more time with Jenny. I've never seen him look like that, Lucas, and I couldn't handle having his sadness on my shoulders. I needed it," the want for the drugs was in her eyes, it was still as alive as it was days ago.

"Peyton," I manage to heave a sigh in there. I really don't know how to help her when she won't even try. "I can't help you if you won't try," I echo my exact thoughts to her, but she looks so lost when she hears them.

"Please, don't go, Lucas," she shakes even more, sweat dripping from her forehead, blood seeping through her sheets…I know I'm not going anywhere but I felt like she needed to know I'm not sitting around to watch her kill herself.

"C'mon, let's get you cleaned up so I can see how deep this thing is," I lift her from the bed to feel her shaking in my arms. She's losing a lot of blood from her foot, but I'm doing my best to keep myself calm this time, forcing myself to know that she'll be fine.

"I stepped on the glass," she tells me as I carry her to the bathroom, I see the tears forming in her eyes.

"Don't cry…"

"I can't stop myself from shaking, I can't make my muscles stop. I wish I could explain this feeling to you," she tells me through her sobs. She makes a point, I have no idea what she's

going through, I can't even begin to comprehend the feelings she has inside.

"You're gonna be fine, we're going to get through this," I slowly sit her in the bathtub and turn the water on low to wash her foot. She lets me take care of her this time, she doesn't fight me. The blood falls away from her foot and dissipates throughout the clear water. I manage to get a glimpse at her cut before more blood seeps out…I didn't realize how deep it was.

"Is it bad?" she winces in pain again as I lift her foot from the water to the air.

"This is really deep…we gotta get you to a hospital, you need stitches," I take her out of the tub, letting the water drip all over me. I can feel her struggling against me, she's whimpering in pain and because she doesn't want to go, that's obvious.

"I can't go there, Lucas. I don't do hospitals, and I can't have them knowing I'm on drugs…Lucas, please," her voice breaks as she begs me, but I can't fall for that anymore, I need to do what's best for her this time.

"Look…I **have** to do this, I know you don't wanna go, but you'll lose too much blood if I don't do this. I told you I'd be here through the whole thing, and I will be, but you're going to that hospital."

* * *

**She fights me** the whole way in, but I guess that's expected. She hates hospitals, she's hated them since her mother died, and I guess I can't really blame her for it. I'd be a little impartial to these buildings too if I was in her shoes.

"I'm sorry."

She's being stubborn with me now, she won't even let herself look at me, but still huddles against me as she sweats and shakes. I walk through the hallways, telling the nurses at the front desk that she simply has a bad case of the flu but she's being taken care of already. She just needs the stitches.

"C'mon, Peyton. I'm sorry, but I couldn't leave you at the house like this, you would lose too much blood for me to just patch up with a band-aid," she's growing paler by the minute as the blood overtakes the wad of paper towels I had wrapped around her foot. I can see her fading just slightly as she begins to shake again.

"I NEED HELP!" I'm screaming through the hospital but no one seems to notice, they knew she was there but the situation was suddenly growing more desperate as the blood is coming so much faster than before.

"Sir?" the nurse approaches me and I'm shoving Peyton in her face.

"She needs help, NOW…she stepped on a piece of glass, it was in there pretty deep and I can't stop the bleeding," the nurse quickly runs to retrieve a doctor. They set her on a gurney and wheel her away into the emergency room. All I can do now is wait for her to be okay.

* * *

**It's been about** an hour and a half since she went in, and finally I see a nurse appear. She walks over to me, looking a bit concerned.

"Lucas Scott?"

"Yeah, that's me…" I stand to meet her, realizing she's about a foot below my height.

"She's gonna be alright, you're lucky you got her in when you did, she lost _a lot_ of blood, and the cut was very severe. She refused to tell us what happened, do you know where the cut surfaced from?"

"She stepped on a piece of glass outside near where her recycling bin is," I quickly pull a lie from the top of my head, knowing it's acceptable enough for now.

"Okay, thank you. She's going to need a lot of rest, she's a little lightheaded and she blacked out once while she was getting the stitches. Also, it's probably going to be helpful if she stays off that foot for the day, if that's possible."

"Yeah, no problem. Can I take her home now?"

"You just have to go to the front desk to sign some release forms, and then she's free to go."

"Thanks," I make my way back to her room, to see her laying looking very determined to keep her body steady. She looks up at me, and she looks like she wants to be angry, but she can't seem to stay that way.

"Can we leave?"

"Mmhmm, I just have to sign some papers to get you out."

"Can you do that now?" she shoos me with her hand, I know she wants to leave. So I do as I'm told, and I sign her out. I lift her from the bed slowly, noticing she had dozed off while I was gone. She shivers and fidgets in my arms, opening her eyes to look at me once. She smiles as much as she can before laying her head against my chest to close her eyes again. I'm able to lay a kiss on her forehead and then we head back to her house, back to getting her life back together.

* * *

**She wakes about** forty-five minutes later while I'm sitting on her computer chair, watching her toss and turn. She looks pretty emotionless to me until she winces in pain at her foot.

"That wasn't a dream?" she refers to her foot, I just shake my head tersely. "Are you mad at me for something?" she manages to crawl to the foot of the bed to face me where she lets her injured foot dangle over the side.

"No…I just think it was unfair of you…"

"Unfair of me for what?" she scrunches her eyebrows together, something she did when she was completely confused, something I loved to watch.

"To make me choose between your life and making you happy…Peyton, you probably would've died if I had let you sit here and not go to the hospital. It was a really bad cut on the bottom of your foot, and you lost a lot of blood. It was something I had to do, don't you get that?"

"I'm sorry, Luke," she averts her eyes down to her foot, unable to look back up at me. "I was just in a state of mind, I just lost Jake, my whole body was craving something I know I'm not supposed to have and the pain in my foot was becoming unbearable. And on top of all that I had to go back to a hospital…sometimes it's just a little too much, you know? Sometimes it's all just a little unbearable," she lets a few tears fall but still refuses to look up.

"I'm sorry," she finally looks up, confused again. "I guess I just don't take into consideration what you're going through sometimes. I guess I just don't really understand the magnitude of how much it hurts you sometimes. How about we just forget today, and work on it all tomorrow, Christmas is coming up too," I smile at her, trying to lift her spirits.

"Do you still want me to spend Christmas with you?" she sounds like a five year old girl who knows she's done something wrong, so I stand and sit next to her.

"Definitely, you don't have to ask that. I mean…so, we had a bad day, right? We'll get past it…"

"I hope so…" she tucks herself into me, shaking again more violently than before. I hate when it's this bad, but the most I can do is just hold her for now. I kiss her forehead again as she cries, knowing I'm stepping into dangerous territory with this move. I make a move to kiss her cheek, but she lifts her head instead, she knows exactly what she's doing. She moves up to look at me with a gaze so intense I can't turn away, her eyes are pleading with me to take away the pain, to kiss it all away. And I promised myself that I had to figure everything out before we went any farther…but the look in her eyes is pulling me closer. I let my lips brush hers very gently, but she wraps her arms around my neck tightly before I allow myself to pull away again.


	11. I Need You In My Blacker Days

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note:** I'm determined to move these out a little quicker, so bear with me, I'm doing my best here.

**Chapter 11: I Need You In My Blacker Days

* * *

**

**She needed me** to help her feel, it's why she's holding me so tightly, unable to let go. She wanted to feel anything but the pain that's slowly taking her down. And I'm becoming completely unable to stop myself from becoming enveloped in her kiss that had always sucked me in. I have a feeling there's no going back this time – we're both so overwhelmed by what's passing between us, it's something that I've certainly never felt before. I keep her close, let my fingers run along the sides of her stomach as she shivers under my touch. Very slowly she wiggles out of the sweat pants that covered her pale legs. I use the weight of my body to lay her back onto the bed behind, making sure to keep her injured foot to the side. She makes sure her take top is no longer an obstacle for us. My heart feels like it may fall out of my chest that it's beating so fast. We don't usually get this far…the last time we even got close to this was a year ago in that motel. This time we've got no necklaces to hold us back, this time there's nothing holding us back.

She takes her small hands to assist me in getting my shirt up over my head. It feels like she can't get close enough with the way she's pulling my mouth to hers. This isn't right, it can't be what she needs but she's so frantic in removing my pants that I feel it may be the only way she'll let me get through to her. And I can't lie…it feels so much better than I had imagined. I mean, I'm just seventeen, I've got hormones and I'm going to make mistakes…this is probably one that I'm in the process of right now.

She sheds the rest of her clothing, throwing it all to the ground. And in one fluent motion she makes sure my boxers are on the floor too. Thought it's in the mid-thirties outside I can feel sweat dripping from my forehead – the heat between us is becoming nearly unbearable. She grabs blindly at her night stand for a source of protection, but I can see that she's distracted by my lips on her neck. She moans and finally finds the small purple package which she immediately hands to me. I won't let myself mistake the look in her eyes for pleasure when I finally make my move – we both know better than to lie about that. She's urging me to go faster, harder – to take away the emptiness she feels. She's using me – and at this very moment I don't care anymore. She writhes beneath me, moaning when I make the right movements.

"Peyton…" I'm worried to continue, but the sudden tears remind me of why we're here.

"I need you…I need this…take it away…" she manages to tell me before she closes her eyes and take a deep breath. "Lucas, just take the pain away…please…please…" her pleas are heartbreaking and the expression on her face tells me to fulfill what she asks me for. I kiss her tears away gently, nodding I make my move to continue – hoping this is the right decision.

* * *

**Waking up the **next morning to find an empty bed doesn't really shock me. I think in the back of my mind I've been expecting it. I slip on the boxers and sweat pants from yesterday and move to find her crying with her back against the porcelain tub. She doesn't give me any hints to say that she's going to acknowledge my presence, so instead I choose to sit beside her, wrapping my hands around my bent knees.

"I really screwed up, huh?" she questions me through her tear-filled eyes, but I just shake my head.

"It took two people to do that. And if it took the pain from you for even just a little while – it was worth it to me."

"You're with Brooke and I'm recovering from a cocaine addiction. It was wrong, Luke."

"Maybe…but it wasn't exactly bad," I tease her, nudging her elbow a little. And it even surprises me when I'm rewarded with a very small smile.

* * *

**She decides to **shower minutes later, so rather than go home and let something else happen to her I take it upon myself to stay. Jake appears at the bedroom door a few minutes after I sit down, and when I finally do notice him he looks very bitter.

"She's in the shower right now," I point out, without another thought I turn back to my solitare.

"Fuck her yet?" his voice is full of resentment for me, but I choose to be the bigger man this time. I don't respond to his comment. "Well, I'll take that as a yes. No wonder she's in the shower."

Again, I refuse to respond to what he's saying, I won't add fuel to the fire. He's just bitter because she doesn't want him anymore…I know that feeling, and it does suck, but there's no reason he has to be an asshole about it.

"You know she always liked pity fucks, but don't take that as a sign of love. She hasn't had any ass in a few months, I'm not surprised she turned to you. But after all, she gets around, you _were_ the one person she hadn't managed to sleep with yet…"

My blood is boiling, I can feel my stomach churning with the things he's saying about her. I know that's now how he feels about her at all, behind that angry mask he's just a hurt kid who was turned down by a girl he really loved. I try to wrap my head around that fact, but I somehow just can't manage to find an ounce of sympathy for him anymore.

"It's too bad you didn't get to her before me…I can't see screwing a wide open whore to be too much fun, but hey it's your preferen-"

I don't let him say another thing, instead I lunge at him and I just barely grab the fabric of his jacket to pull him back. I use all the strength I can muster to slam him against her bedroom wall. It's almost reminiscent of the time I beat the hell out of the kid who tried to drug her a year or two ago.

"You know, I don't care if you talk about me…say whatever you want about me. But you have **no idea** what she's going through, so don't you _dare_ say that shit about her. You know, I'm sorry she doesn't want you anymore, I'm sorry you got Nikki pregnant so she asked you to spend your time trying to save your daughter. And I'm extremely sorry that you had to be such a bitter asshole about the whole thing. So how about you do yourself a favor and get the hell out of here before I need to throw your ass out."

He laughs with a sadistic smile before punching me in the nose. The stinging that flows through my face is a little more than I expect, but I make a come back quickly. Before I know it we're on the floor, rolling, punching, kicking. I can't tell which way the ceiling is compared to the walls, but when she comes running from the shower screaming I know that I need to get out from under him.

His fist connects with my nose a few more times, blood is pouring out like a faucet. Peyton's tugging at his jacket, screaming for him to stop, to leave, to get out of her life this time. He backs off when he sees that I can barely breathe anymore, but he doesn't say anything to either of us, just takes off running and out the front door.

"Luke," she sounds worried, as she kneels over me. I can't make out her face very well, the pain is a little more overwhelming that I expected. I heard a crack somewhere in the punches, and the blood that's still flowing seems a little abnormal. I have a feeling I don't just have a nosebleed.

"I think it's broken," I ground out through clenched teeth. There's blood in my mouth now, it's pouring from the cuts on my bottom lip too, I hadn't realized they were there. She's frantically running through her room to find me a cup. She's panicking, desperately trying to get me to spit the blood out into the cup, but I'm only managing gurgling noises.

"C'mon, Lucas. Just spit it in here, and I'll get you cleaned up," I can make out the tears that are rolling down her cheeks again, and I wonder if she ever runs out of tears. I spit the red liquid into the designated cup and wait patiently for her to retrieve all kinds of paper towels and tissues to stop the bleeding.

"This is bad," I need to let her know that I don't think the paper towels are going to cover it. But I'm becoming flooded with pain when the bones move inside my nose when she's trying to help.

"I really should try to get you to the hospital…I've got to call your mom," she jumps up, dialing the number with urgency. I can hear bits and pieces of the conversation, but before I can tell what happened she's back next to me with worried eyes. "Your mom's on her way, she's gonna take you. I'm not even supposed to be on my foot, let alone be running around the room. It's killing me and it's bleeding a little through the stitches, so I'm going to wait here for you. Call me when you're done okay?" she tries to explain the situation to me, but I can't really concentrate or focus on what she's trying to say.

"Please…no more drugs when I'm gone…"

"I won't…I promise. Just let me know you're okay."

"I'm fine," or at least that's what I'm telling us both. And I am fine if you minus the fact that my nose is broken in numerous places – I don't need a doctor to tell me that one.

"Call me as soon as you're done everything…"

"No more, Peyton, please. Please…" she shakes her head at me, almost smiling in amusement.

"You're nose is probably broken in like a million places and you're worried about me? Just get yourself over to the hospital so you can come back here," she lays her hand in mine, and I think it shocks me more than anything. I expected a very cold shoulder after the events of last night, but she's very slowly warming up to me even more. I just hope we don't go back three steps again, I just want her to stay here.

"Do you regret last night?" she looks extremely hesitant to answer, she even takes her eyes away from mine to stare at the floor. She doesn't get to answer this one because my mom walks in to help me out.

"So, Jake, huh?" she doesn't really sound surprised, just a little disappointed in the kid who welcomed me to the basketball team with such open arms.

Peyton shakes her head with a sense of disappointment too. My mom is quick to be hoisting me up to my feet, she's ready to get the hospital junk out of the way. She was never a fan of the place either, but then I guess a lot of people really aren't.

I can't see what takes place behind me, but I know that my mom's head is turned back to Peyton, she's mouthing something, but I can't make anything out. She's sure to keep my head straight so "the blood doesn't' go all over."

"Mom, what was –"

"C'mon, Luke, let's get you fixed up."

**Okay, I felt there needed to be some type of showdown with Lucas and Jake. And then with how bitter Jake was, I think this was the only way I saw it happening. It took me some time to figure out the angle I took, but I think this should set up what I want a little bit better.**

**Review!**


	12. There's No Script To Make

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Sorry about the delay. I've been working on the one-shot I just posted and summer just started so I was out enjoying my summer. Anyway, hope you like this one.

**Chapter 12: There's No Script to Make You Live Enough

* * *

**

_**- '**(Take me) I wish that you could see (I need your help), -_

**I return to **her around three in the morning with my nose severely bandaged. She's tossing and turning on her bed, but she's still asleep. I can't get the previous night out of my head, the way she felt against me; it was something I'd often thought about but was pretty sure it would _never _happen for us. I know she didn't feel the way I did about it – to be honest, that does hurt just a little. I'm not gonna lie about that. Seeing the empty look in her eyes when she lay beneath me overwhelmed me with guilt. Guilt for doing this to Brooke, guilt for doing this to Jake who was a good friend of mine, guilt for doing this to us because that wasn't how I wanted it to happen for us.

Avoiding all of the creaky boards in her wooden floor, I make my way to her bed. I know she can feel me as I slide in next to her, keeping her tight against me. I can feel her shaking still, her teeth are chattering now. It's been about two weeks, I just want this to be over with, I want Peyton back, the girl I fell in love with and never really got my own heart back from.

"I didn't, Luke," she whispers against my shoulder without moving away from me.

"I know…I can tell…"

"I wanted to," a hot tear hits my skin as I feel her hands wrap around my neck as best as she can.

"It's okay, that's normal. What matters is that you didn't."

"Is your nose okay?" she asks me softly, genuinely concerned for my condition.

"It will be…"

"I'm so sorry, Luke. I really am, this whole thing with Jake is my fault, it's all over me –"

"This was not your fault, it wasn't. This is a guy who loved you very much hurting because you had to let him go. You had to do this, and it was a normal reaction. You didn't do anything to cause this, don't you ever think that," I know how it feels to lose her, to watch her walk away when your heart pleads with you to go get her back. I know that I would've felt the same way as Jake; it was just a reaction that I hadn't really expected from him; the guy who had once asked me to take the high road.

"What does this mean for us?"

_Shit._ Its one question I really can't answer.

"I really don't know. You let Jake go –"

"I didn't love him, Luke; I couldn't keep doing that to him. I loved him so much once, but that time has passed, he asked me to move on. But it's finally making sense now…"

"What is?"

"I never really moved on from you, I think he knew that, he just didn't want to admit it. He asked me to move on, but that was impossible, my heart has been with you all along…"

It's what I've wanted to hear for over a year now. Those words make my heart soar and jump into my throat all at the same time. Just because she let Jake go didn't mean Brooke was gone from our lives, she never would be.

And she was **_never_** going to give us her blessing.

* * *

**It's Christmas Eve**, she's looking a lot better, but I can see she's still hurting, inside and out. We still haven't found a solution for our problem, so for now, we're just living in the present. She knows what this is going to do to Brooke just as well as I do. We can tell her we didn't mean to hurt her until our faces turn blue, she'll never believe it, nor will she accept it.

"So, we're just stopping at the café for a little while, right?"

"Yeah…you sure you're up for this? We don't **have **to go, me and you can spend Christmas Eve here –"

"We will not. Luke, this is your family and this is a tradition. It doesn't matter how good I'm feeling today, today is about you."

"Okay, alright," I lift my hands in surrender, "just promise you'll tell me if you're not feeling good tonight, I know it's been a good day, but I don't wanna make you uncomfortable."

"It has been a good day, and maybe tonight won't be perfect for me…I mean the nights never really are, but we'll make it work."

I stand behind her, looking at how much better she's starting to look. My hands snake around her waist, keeping her back against my chest. She lays her cold hands against mine, almost like a silent thank you for the last few weeks.

She's not perfect; she still shakes at night and sweats. She still can't sleep well, and throws up occasionally, but we're making it there, step-by-step. And at the rate we're going I'm thinking she'll be okay by at least New Year's. And from there we'll figure out what to do about our thing with Brooke.

"So, you ready?"

"Yeah, let's give this a try…" she takes my hand, letting me follow her out of the house. I can't say we don't act like a couple, as far as all of our actions. There's been flirtation and a lot of touching but nothing has come even close to what we did a few nights ago. It was the ultimate betrayal to Brooke, I know this. It's worse than the last time. I haven't kissed Peyton since that night; my stomach churns when I think of Brooke walking in and seeing us. My lips against hers make me feel horrible and perfect at the same time. It's the weirdest feeling, and I can't help but enjoy it.

* * *

**They all look **a little bit surprised to see Peyton there, her hand in mine. But they quickly recover, welcoming her with open arms; I can tell they're all happy to see her.

She leaves me to hug Haley and Nathan, and I can't help but smile at how normal this feels. It's like her drug problem is gone for the night, it's like Brooke and Jake are gone for the night. It's just us, and it feels good.

"Lucas, she looks good," my mom and Keith walk up; he gives me a pat on the back.

"She is good. She's getting better, slowly but she's getting there," we all watch her move around the small crowd occupying my Mom's café.

"What was the hand holding earlier?" I knew Keith was going to pry, I didn't expect him to be so blunt about it though.

"Nothing, she just grabbed my hand. It was nothing, Keith," he smirks at me, I'm pretty sure he knows better. My mom just shakes her head, she knows how this played out last time, all three of us ended up with a broken heart.

"Please, don't get hurt, and don't hurt her, Lucas. She really can't afford that this time around, it'll send her back down."

"I'm not, Mom. We're going to figure things out with Brooke when she gets back –"

"What are we figuring out, boyfriend?" she giggles, and my whole body freezes. "I thought I'd surprise you, come in early so we could spend Christmas together," she kisses my cheek and hugs my mom and Keith.

I can see Peyton frozen across the room with Haley and Nathan. They both look like they know what's about to erupt, but they don't really even know the half of what's happened between the two of us. I can't take my eyes away from the blonde across the room; she looks tense as she begins to shiver. Her face flushes quickly. I know the stress isn't good for what she's trying so desperately to escape.

"Mom…" she's watching the same thing, nodding to me that she'll tell Brooke where I went.

* * *

**I move through** the crowd with expertise, sweeping her off her feet. She's sweating and she doesn't look good at all, she doesn't look anything like the girl I was just with fifteen minutes before.

"You can't do this, Lucas, go back to Brooke," she tries to order me around, but she's in the passenger seat next to me before she has any time to protest.

"Peyton, you're burning up. I'm not leaving you; I told you I was gonna take care of you."

"Your _girlfriend_ is inside, Lucas, it doesn't matter what you told me."

"It will always matter, you mean more to me, will you ever understand that? We're going to tell Brooke when this whole thing calms down, just trust me for now."

She nods her head through her shaking; I can tell she's running out of energy to try to bring me down. She throws up before we can make it inside, so I carry her up her steps into the cold shower to cool her down, once more soaking myself in the cold water. Her face returns to its normal color and her shaking becomes a little bit less violent.

She fixes the water temperature as I sit down under the warmer water. Without a second thought she tucks herself against me in a hug, sort of straddling me at the same time. My hand rubs circles around on her back, as her breathing slows down.

My cell phone is obnoxiously ringing from the sink, I'm just able to reach it and answer it, knowing exactly who it is.

"Boyfriend, how's she doing?"

"She's alright, she'll be okay. It just hit her again, but I've got her."

"Good, can I talk to her?"

I hand the phone to her, she lays her head on my shoulder under the water, being careful not to get the phone wet.

"Hey, Brooke," her voice sounds hoarse from earlier.

She puts Brooke on speaker phone to further keep the phone from the water; it also allows me to hear their conversation.

"Hey, P. Sawyer, how you feeling?"

"Better. I'll be okay, I'm sorry I had to leave the party."

"Don't worry about it, I'll come by and visit a little bit later. Is he taking care of you right?"

"Yeah, he's doing a good job, Brooke. Everything's going good. Call me before you come."

"Definitely, it'll probably be like an hour, but I'll give ya a call. Feel better, and tell Luke I said I'd beat his ass if he wasn't doing a good job with you," she laughs a little; it makes me feel a little bit better about the whole situation.

"See ya, Brooke." She throws the phone out of the bath tub before swiftly turning to me, smashing her lips against mine. Her tongue invades my mouth within seconds, catching me completely off guard.

I pull away breathless.

"Peyton…"

"We've got an hour; I need you to do this for me…"

"We can't keep doing this; this isn't what I want for us. It's not right to be screwing around like this because it hurts and this takes the pain away for a little while."

"I'm not hurting, Luke. I know what it's gonna be like when Brooke gets here, you're still her faithful boyfriend and I'm still the tag along who can't get past her drug addiction. But right now, you're my guy, and right now it's you and me. And right now, I want this…"

She's practically in tears pulling my shirt up over my head; this whole thing is hurting her a lot worse than I thought it was. This whole thing with Brooke takes a bigger toll on her than any of us I think. But I won't let her self-destruct and I won't let her lose herself in sex.

"Peyton, c'mere," I pull her into me, getting us both out of the tub and into clean clothes. I pull her back down to the bed with me, letting her cry against me for the millionth time in the past few weeks. I know I made the right decision this time, when the time is right we'll get to that, and it'll be the way we both wanted it to be between us.

* * *

**I don't think there's too much left to this story, a few more chapters. Anyway, I know it wasn't my best work, but it was needed in the plot. Review for me!**


	13. I've Had Some Time

**Drugs or Me**

**Author's Note: **Thanks for all the reviews. I'm really sorry for the lack of updates, I'm doing my best, thanks for still reading.

**Chapter 13: I've Had Some Time To Think About You**

_**- '**(So far away) the face in front of me (to pull me up, take the wheel)' –

* * *

_

**I'm not sure** if it's Brooke's footsteps that pull me out of thought. It could just be the violent shivering that's started again…God I just want it to end. I just want her to be okay – because this feels right, to be next to her like this.

I'm taking my hands from around her just as Brooke steps into the room. She thinks nothing of it, just smiles and sits next to Peyton. I watch her brush a strand of blonde hair from her best friend's face, there's such a love between them. I feel like throwing up thinking about their bond being completely obliterated.

"How's she doing?" my girlfriend whispers to me, but I'm only registering half of what she's saying. The other half of my mind is falling totally in love with just watching Peyton sleep.

"She's alright. I laid her in the shower to calm her down a little, and she's still shaking but it's been a while now and I think this all should be settling down soon. Maybe by next week she'll be a little bit closer to normal."

"I hope so…Luke…can we talk?" she has a more than serious look in her eyes, they're glistening with a few tears – I'm kind of scared for what's coming.

Brooke and I make our way into the hallway; just as we're leaving I see Peyton's eyes open. She's going to hear the whole thing, because I can see with the state Brooke's in she's not getting very far from Peyton's room.

She breaks down crying before she can even get any words out. I'm immediately at her side, trying to wipe away the salty tears pouring to the floor.

"Brooke…"

"Lucas, tell me the truth. I want the god honest truth, I don't care how much it hurts me, if you've ever cared about me the way you said you did, tell me the truth."

"About?"

"Please, Lucas…don't make me say it…" she slides to the floor in more tears, and I know I have to do as she asks.

"I love her, Brooke," I keep my voice low; my tone's not malicious or spiteful the way it would have been a year ago.

"I know," she barely gets the words out, but I do hear them. "I've known it; I just wanted to make sure I wasn't throwing us away because of suspicions. Thank you…"

"You're…you're not mad?" she gave me the total opposite reaction of what I had expected. It was as if she and Jake had decided to switch places, which is good. I can stand taking a few punches from Jake but Brooke has always had the ability to make anyone's life a living hell for longer than my nose will take to heal.

"I can't be anymore. I just end up being more miserable spending all that time being mad at the two of you. Peyton needs us both right now, and if I'm mad it's only going to make things worse. I'm over this; if you love her I can't keep you with me. I just need some time by myself right now, go take care of her, Lucas," she wraps her arms around me, shocking the hell out of me. This was the Brooke I had fallen in love with last year, the one who truly cared about Peyton, and it's the reason I know we'll be able to stay friends this time around.

* * *

**Peyton's fully awake** when I re-enter the room. She's looking at me with a million questions in her eyes. I know she heard what Brooke said, I know she needs to talk to Brooke before we can really be anything more than we are right now.

"Brooke!" I hear her feet making their way back to the room quickly.

"What, what happened?" she's out of breath and looks panicky.

"Oh," I smile sheepishly, "I just…I want you guys to talk before any decisions are made concerning the three of us."

"You scared the shit out of me, Lucas. I thought something happened," she's still wiping at a few stray tears while scolding me.

I can see Peyton's worried looks from the corner of my eye; she knows how much this is killing Brooke.

"Sorry…I didn't mean to make it sound so urgent…I just, I don't want to do anything here without the two of you being totally okay with everything. I know it's never going to be perfect between the three of us, but I can't stand the awkwardness that's always there. So, if you two need to talk, I'll leave…"

I turn to the door but I'm stopped by both of the girls.

"Stay…" they both glance at each other and smile. A smile that I can see reflects years of friendship and bonds that no one will ever understand; a smile that only they give to each other, and I'm hoping a smile telling each other that nothing will break them apart.

* * *

**This is really short and I feel terrible for the delay. My job has been eating up all of my time lately and then there's school and my life. I'm so sorry, I just wanted to get something out there and I'm going to try to get these stories all back up and running. Thanks for any reviews you guys are willing to give after the wait. :)**


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